I faced a fear today.
When I woke up and logged on to my computer to send out my daily Bible
verse, I saw the Google Doodle of Virginia Woolf. An old fear in the depths of my soul started
inching up, and when I actually faced it, the hatred and fear I felt towards
someone in my past was replaced with pity.
Bear with me as I explain.
Many years ago, I was in a very tumultuous
relationship. I lived with a man several
years older than me for just over six and a half years. I joke that if I had just hung on for six
more months, it would have been a common law marriage. I also know that if I had hung on for 6 more
months, I probably would have died. When
I say the relationship was tumultuous, what I really mean is that it was
violent. Very violent.
Anyway, this person had a fascination with the move “Who’s
Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” I remember
being forced (yes, physically forced) to watch this movie one evening. I kept falling asleep during it, and I was
consistently woken up. I remember this
person, drunk and high, saying this movie was so great, and so esoteric. That was one of his favorite words. Esoteric.
Oh how I hate that word to this day.
Anyway, I was afraid of this movie. Until today.
I finally looked up the movie, and read about it, and I realized
something. I realized that this person
who hurt me, belittled me, raped me, and beat me is very sick. I knew that, but it never really sunk
in. Until today. And the hatred I had has become pity, because
this person literally threw away his life.
I feel sorry for him because he has no idea what he could have been. I am still angry that I allowed him to hurt
me, but the all-consuming anger has gone.
My soul actually feels lighter.
The only way I can explain it is that it’s like shedding all your winter
gear to step into the sunshine and warmth of the tropics.
Anyway, I am ready to move forward, because this part of my
past has been laid to rest.
