What day is it?

Seriously, what day is it? This being home every day is tough on the internal calendar.  I have been the social coordinator for the family since, oh - forever.  Now that I don't have a daily focus on the date, I literally lose track of what day it is.  

I have a few clues that I use to help keep me on track.  The hubs is home on Saturday, Sunday and Monday.  Therefore, if he is home, I know its a weekend.  Unless of course he gets called in for overtime, then I am lost again.  I watch my youngest granddaughter two times a week, so when she's here, I know it's either Tuesday or Thursday.  Now, if the hubs gets a holiday tacked on to his weekend, then I am all messed up again.  

I'm trying to get my planner out and going again, someday.  The problem is, when exactly is someday?  I have always lived by the clock and calendar.  School, summer jobs, then after school jobs, then adulthood.  Wake up at a certain time, get ready and go to work.  Come home, have dinner, rest for a bit, then go to bed.  Do that five times a week, (or sometimes four if you have a flex day), then have your weekend.  

Now, because I don't have to set an alarm, my body keeps waking me up at odd times.  3:30 am, 4:00 am, or then the fun 11:00 pm, 1:00 am, 2:30 am, 4:00 am and then the hubs' alarms start going off.  I don't drink coffee after 10:00 am, unless of course it's a day that I don't get up until the afternoon.  That normally happens after I have a session of Camp Grandma Grandma.  

I'm the one who kept us close to on time for things.  It's the way I was raised.  The invitation says 9:00, you are there BY 9:00, not 9:15 or even worse, 9:30.  I was taught you give yourself plenty of time to get ready, so you can leave, on time.  Now I have to make sure I am out of the way for the mad dash to get ready and out the door.  It's been almost 25 years, and I still just don't understand this.  If you have to be somewhere across town at the top of the hour, you do not leave the house at 5 minutes before the top of the hour.  The reason you don't do this is because it takes 20 minutes to get across town, unless of course you catch all the lights on green, then it takes 15 minutes.  But I digress. 

So here I am, up since 3:30 am because I have no schedule to follow.  Not sure what to do with myself, because I need to redo my list. After three hours of trying to figure out what to do today, I started baking.  Two loaves of whole wheat pumpkin bread, an apple pie, and a sheet of chocolate chip cookie bars later, the house smells wonderful.  I still have time before I put the pork roast in the oven, so I guess I'll go bake one more thing.  Maybe someday is tomorrow, and I can find my planner then.

Today I am thankful for..........

It seems like every November, we all start really thinking of and meditating on what we are thankful for.  I am just as guilty of this as anyone else.  I try and complete the Thirty Days of Thankful challenge on Facebook.  Oh, I miss days here and there, and I make them up the next day (that I remember I am supposed to be doing this).  But why can't I remember to do this every day?  

I purchased two gratitude/thankful journals from Amazon recently.  I was really good at sitting down each morning to write what I am thankful for.  Then I started slacking.  Then November came along and I started ignoring my journals to be oh so showy by posting my thankfuls on Facebook.  Look at me, I am thankful!  More like, look at me while I compete with you to be more humble in my thankfuls.  

I keep reminding myself that Facebook isn't real.  Yes, it's a real program/app/whatever, but it is not real life.  It's not the "I'm cleaning puke out of the carpet and off the bedding at 2 am because one of the kids is sick".  It's also not the "I'm in a rough patch and I need some help" talk with your best girlfriend/therapist.  Facebook is fluff.  Don't get me wrong, we all need some fluff in our life.  

Most of us prefer our fluff not be around our midsections.  We prefer our fluff to be cutesy memes or sunshine and rainbows.  These things make us smile and pretend, just for a moment, that all is right in the world.  Then we come back to reality and the daily grind, sometimes with a resounding "thud".  We realize that our lives are not like the postings we see.  Our lives are hard.  They suck rotten eggs sometimes.  They drain us emotionally and physically.  And yet, we keep pretending that everything is great.  "Look at me, my life is so perfect".  Yeah, right.

About this time, I start realizing that I really need to take an inventory of what I am truly thankful for instead of trying to compete with everyone to prove I have the perfect life.  So, I turn back to my journals, to start the vicious cycle yet again.  

And here I am again, at the start of the cycle.  Trying to remind myself every single day that I need to focus on what I am thankful for.  Only this time, I assure myself yet again, I promise to be more real, and not full of fluff.   So what do I put down for the first four days?  Fluff.  My husband, my kids, their spouses, my grandkids.  Yes, they are important, and yes I am thankful for them.  I feel that if I don't put these choices down first, people are going to think I'm a self centered witch.  Here I am, back to competing.  Then I decide to stick my toe in the water.  Let's post something odd.  Let's be thankful for something that is really a bad thing in my life.  So, I decide to be thankful for thing that took away my life as I knew it.  

Day 5 of Thankfuls - Today, I am thankful for my Meniere's Disease. Yes, I know that sounds wrong, but just hear me out. This disease has brought new perspective to my life. It has forced me to slow down and enjoy the things I have around me. It has forced me to take a step back, and really re-evaluate what is important in my life, and what is "fluff". Had this disease not brought me to my knees, I would still be so hell bent on being everything to everyone, that I never would have taken time for me, or learned that it's okay to take time for me.

So, I post this on my page.  But then I get the bright idea to post it on the support groups that I am a part of.   "Look at me, I am so wonderful".  

Now I sit here, trying to figure out if I really feel this way, or if I am just being fluffy.  How can I be thankful for this?  Am I just showing off?  Why do I have to doubt everything I do on Facebook?  I start looking back over the past few years, and the roller coaster ride that has been my life.  What can I truly be thankful for in this mess?  And it hits me like a ton of bricks.  I AM thankful for this mess.  It has made me stop and reevaluate.  It truly has.  Yes, it has changed everything.  It has made me stop dead in my tracks and just take stock.  It has made me trust in God even more.  It has made me take a huge leap of faith, and trust that I will land on my feet.  I look at everything and realize that the bills are being met.  There is food in the house.  The dogs still have a safe place to run around.  But most of all, I am still here, able to enjoy what I have.  

As I look around my house while I write this, I realize that it is okay to be thankful for this mess of a life.  I'm still okay.  I can still hear my grandkids voices, although sometimes I have to remind them to look at me and speak up, right after I've told them they are being too loud.  I can still get around on my own two feet, and that cane that I use is there only to help me keep my balance.  I've come to realize that my cane is my friend.  I've also realized that it's okay for me to take time for me.  I have to be careful that I don't get selfish with that, so I am learning balance.  

I'll keep on posting my thankfuls this month, and I'll get back to using my journals.  Oh, I'll miss a day or two, here or there, but I will remember to be thankful, and maybe, just maybe, I will be less competitive at the end of the month.  We will see.

Getting used to the new normal

It's been just over a month now, and my life is starting to settle down.  My girls thought I would be stir crazy, so they keep calling and checking on me.  I love that about them. The funny thing is, that I am not stir crazy.  I am finding so many different things that I need to do.  I am able to spend more time with my grandkids.  That absolutely amazes me. 

The first month, I spent so many days sleeping in.  At first I felt guilty, but then, I realized that it is okay.  My body needs time to recuperate and regenerate.  Now, I'm getting up at a reasonable hour almost every day.  I have my cup of coffee, and I am starting to spend more time in my Bible.  I need to work on that, but it's coming along. 

Some days I cook dinner.  Some days I do laundry.  Some days I just play on my computer, and I'm learning that it's okay to do that. 

I am able to help with the youngest grand while my son-in-love goes to dialysis.  I'm able to help  my oldest with her littles while she starts doing hair again. 

It's a new normal, and it's a new kind of busy.  I'm still in awe and wonder, and I'm still discovering things I can do. 

I think I'm going to avoid Ancestry for a while.........

I got on the Ancestry site today, because I haven't been there in a while.  I started poking around with the family tree I have started.  There are these new things called Thru-Lines.  They are really neat.  They can show you probable matches to people in your tree.  I've always been curious about our family tree, probably because it was not talked about as I was growing up. 

So, I clicked on the woman who gave birth to me.  According to Ancestry, we are are a DNA match, and there is no doubt that she and I are closely related.  She has a story there.  It starts out about her birth, who she married, how many kids she has, blah blah blah.   Then you start looking down the story line, and only four kids are listed.  She had five according to her story.  Her oldest child is missing. 

When I saw this, my heart dropped.  I wanted to cry, but I have no tears.  I am that missing child.  I have the freaking birth certificate to prove it.  I am crushed.  I want to be angry.  Make that angrier.  I am already angry because I can't(won't) let go of the last phone conversation I had with her.  I hoped and prayed that there might be some sort of reconciliation.  An olive branch.  I tried to offer one, but I was cut down right away with "Cathy who?". 

So here I sit, trying to understand the situation, but I can't.  Why?  Why does this bother me so much?  All of this just makes the fears and pains bubble out.  The ones from my childhood.  And the anger.  And the insecurities. 

I want to go back an dissect every aspect of my childhood, again.  Try and find the piece that I keep missing to this puzzle. 

Instead, I'll keep trudging forward.  Even if it's only a small step, it's a step. 

Medicaid and vetoes

One of the big uproars of the day is how Governor Dunleavy's cuts to Medicaid are going to stop the world from spinning.  To many liberals, that may be the case case, but did anyone really stop to look at how we got to this place?

Let's take a walk down memory lane, shall we?

When Obamacare came into effect, the option was there for the states to expand Medicaid.  This seemed like a good idea to oh so many people all over the country.  Let the Federal Government take care of our problems so we can focus on other problems.  It sounds wonderful, on the outside.  However, some Governors actually read the conditions of this free money and decided it was not for their state.  One of the conditions was that the money would only be available for so long, and then it will be up to each State to fund this program themselves.  Our Governor at the time, Sean Parnell, decided not to enroll in this program and decided against accepting the funds.  In fact, he was one of many Governors who had their State bring charges against the Federal Government.  People complained back then, however he explained that this program was not a fix to the health care problem.  It only made the problem worse down the line.  He had Alaskan's best interests in mind when he refused this money.

Then, along came Governor Bill Walker.  One of the first things Governor Walker did was reverse Governor Parnell's decision about accepting the funds for Medicaid expansion.  All of a sudden, the State had this extra money, or so we were led to believe.  Our money that had been going to pay for Medicaid services in the budget was then rerouted somewhere else.  Yay!  Governor Walker fixed the health care crisis in Alaska.  More Federal dollars, blah, blah, blah.  What folks immediately forgot was the fact that this was short term money.

Now we have Governor Dunleavy.  He is doing his best to bring State spending in line with our coffers.  Our savings is gone (thank you Governor Walker).  The Medicaid money from the Feds is now gone, so in order to continue at the level we were, we need to pony up.  The problem is, we don't have the funds to do that.  Tough decisions need to be made.  Governor Dunleavy is making tough decisions.  Do we like all of them?  No, we don't.  Is the world going to end because of these decisions?  No it won't.  The world will still go on, however, our lives are going to change.  We simply cannot keep spending at the level we have been.

Here's another way to look at things.  You had a second job.  You paid off all of your debt, and then you started spending the funds from your second job instead of saving them for a rainy day.  Now your second job is gone, but you still have bills to pay, and they are relying on the funds from the non existent second job.  So, you start running up your credit cards.  Okay, your bank account doesn't see the hurt yet, because you are making minimum payments.  Now your credit cards are maxed out.  You still have these bills, but no second job, and now no emergency buffer.  What do you do?  You start cutting out expenditures.  Guess what folks, this is where we are at.  Our savings is gone, our credit cards are maxed out, and something needs to happen.  Do we like the choices being made?  No, we don't.  However, we are going to have to cut something.  So, if we spread the cuts around to everyone, no one group gets hurt more than the other.

One other thing to think about.  Does anyone remember which US Senator is responsible for Obamacare passing?  I'll give you a clue.  He used to be Mayor of Anchorage.  

Doesn't representative government mean the people are represented?

I'm slightly confused.  Okay, majorly confused. We elected our Legislators (both State and Federal) to represent us, the people.  As I understand it, their job is to say "this is what my constituents want" and vote that way.  Now I get it that not everyone wants the same thing.  Some want more handouts, some want smaller government invasion of privacy, and others want something totally different.  We don't all agree.  That's normal, that's okay; that's why there is chocolate, vanilla and tutti fruity.  What I don't get is why it is okay for our elected representation (at the State level) can decide to break the laws that THEY THEMSELVES WROTE, because they don't WANT to follow the Governor's decree.  How is this okay?  They couldn't get their jobs done in the 90 days they are supposed to get it done, and they couldn't even get it done in the 120 days that are constitutionally mandated.  They had to go into special session, and EVEN THEN they could not and would not get their work completed.  So, the Governor called them into YET ANOTHER special session.  This time, however, he called the session for someplace outside Juneau, someplace where access to the session is less prohibitive than our capitol, which is only accessible by air.  He even chose a place that is not currently overrun by tourists.  22 of our Legislators followed the Governor's decree and reported to Wasilla Middle School.  Of the remaining Legislators, 38 decided that they have the authority to override this decree.  Mind you in order to call their own special session, they need 40 votes.  Last time I went to school, 38 was less than 40.  I think these folks invented Common Core mathematics.  (There are 3 or 4 Legislators with excused absences, so they did not vote.)

These Legislators have one job to do during this special session.  Approve the amount of the Permanent Fund Dividend.  For the past 3 years, our former Governor decided to change the way the PFD is paid out.  He decided the constitutionally mandated formula was incorrect, and he took half of each PFD to supposedly pay for government.  He also spent our savings account down to almost nothing.  Now here's the thing.  HE NEVER TRANSFERRED THE MONEY FROM THE PFD FUND TO THE STATE COFFERS.  THE MONEY WAS STILL THERE.  More and more Alaskans figured this out, and became more and more vocal.  We fired that Governor in the election, and brought in someone who wants to balance the budget, pay back the non-appropriated dividend, and make the State start living within its means again.  The 38 or so Legislators heard the outcry of the people, so they quickly transferred the unpaid dividend into the protected principal account from the earnings reserve account, which is what is used to pay the dividend.  Now, all of a sudden, the money isn't there.  It was NEVER spent, but now it constitutionally cannot be withdrawn.  All of a sudden, the money that was supposed to be paid out to the people is locked away from the people.

Did I mention that they are breaking the law by not convening in the location declared by the Governor.  Did I mention that they are breaking the law by taking their per diem during the special session instead of after.  They voted that little law into effect last year.  They obviously believe that they are above the laws that they enacted for themselves. 

I don't know about you, but I sure as heck do not want representation by people who refuse to follow the laws they themselves enacted.  It reminds me of my childhood - do as I say, not as I do.  I didn't do so well with that either.

Mt. St. Cathy

So, I lost it at work today. I am not the one who blows up. Like volcano blows up. I even swore. Like dropped the "f" bomb swore. I don't do that. I try to walk the walk and talk the talk. I'm not trying to sound holier than thou, I just never want to be accused of being a "hypo-Christian".

I had an honest to goodness anxiety attack this morning. Out of the blue. There are some issues going on and there are a few who appear to be trying to write me out of my job, and bring in a former employee. Right now this former employee is working as a contractor and is supposed to be training me in the process of regulatory cost charges from start to finish. I have not yet been trained. I have asked for training. I have begged for training. I have sent in written requests for training. Anyway, today, was the last straw. I went full blown psycho. I detailed my frustration in no uncertain terms to our section manager (someone who is 20 years younger than me ). I held nothing back. I reminded her of a conversation we had a month ago regarding this contractor and how they are not a very good trainer. Her words. She confirmed this conversation. I reminded her of an earlier conversation where I was told I just had to "deal with her attitude". She confirmed that conversation. 

I have tried to explain Meniere's to this person. I have tried to explain that it is a disability. I have filed under the ADA. I am getting all of my disability paperwork lined up. I have tried to explain how bad the brain fog is some days. I have found the apps that sound like tinnitus. I found the "My Meniere's" app that replicates the walking and the vertigo. She chooses not to get it.

  I am not proud of myself. I'm actually kind of ashamed of myself for losing my temper. I say all of this, because I would like you to pray for me. I'm in a rough patch. I've been in rough patches before, and I'll be in them again, it's just nice to know that now there's help to get through them.

So that's my day. I'm not proud of it, but I own it, and I thank you all for accepting me for me.