Merry Christmas

We celebrated Christmas on the 23rd this year.  It was the first time in 6 or 7 years that we were able to have all the grandkids together to celebrate.  Of course, I forgot to take photos.......oh well....I have my memories.

It was interesting this year.  The girls are adults, married with children.  The sons in love were here, and all the adults were kicking back talking stories of years gone by.  Stories of high school, trouble we got into, and the like.  I learned some things about my kids that honestly, I didn't need to know, but it felt wonderful sharing the special time.  I have a whole new understanding for how Noni felt when she, Tracy and I sat in the kitchen sharing a bottle of wine and talking.  This time, I was Noni.....and I loved it.

The kids were loud, but they were upstairs.  A few times the dogs were up there with them and it sounded like a heard of elephants going through the ceiling.  It was wonderful.  These are the memories I cherish.  Everyone together, having a blast, and just being a family.  I am blessed. 

We started making plans for New Year's Eve.  This year we will do it at my place, because I have the room, and I love having them all around, and honestly, ringing in the New Year with a bunch of sugared up small(ish) people is my idea of heaven.  When we get up in the morning, I can make pancakes and stuff for breakfast, because let's face it Grandma makes the best pancakes ever.....and I was given a new griddle for Christmas.  Our old one finally died.  Lord knows it was put to good use. 

I've been putting the house back in order today, after the festivities last night, and I'm wondering if I can take the tree down?  I mean, Christmas is over at our place, and the tree does take up a lot of space.  Decisions, decisions. 

I think I'll close here and wish you all a Merry Christmas.  Remember, Jesus is the Reason for the Season!

I was asked to provide the devotional at our Ladies' Christmas party

And this is what I came up with.

Romans 12:10-16(KJV)

10 Be kindly affectioned one to another with brother love; in hor preferring one another;
11 Not slothful in business; fervent in spirit; serving the Lord;
12 Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer;
13 Distributing to the necessity of saints; given to hospitality.
14 Bless them which persecute you: bless and curse not.
15 Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.
16 Be of the same mind one toward another.  Mind not high things, but condescend to men of low estate.  Be not wise in your own conceits.

I was going to focus on Proverbs 31, when I was led to this passage.  It got me really thinking; are we, the women of Maranatha Baptist Church, living this?

I started breaking this down to the very basics, because honestly, I deal with small people, and that's what I need.  Simplicity.

So here is what I came up with:

Be nice to everyone, preferring to honor rather than be honored.
Don't be a slacker, let your heart be strong, serve God.
Be happy in the good times, patient in the tough times, and KEEP PRAYING!
Give to those with less, being warm and friendly when you do.
Be kind to meany-heads, don't swear.
Be happy with those who are happy and commiserate with those who are sad.

And then verse 16 hit.  The word condescend really threw me for a loop, until I looked it up.  In this instance, it doesn't mean to look down upon, but to bring yourself down.  Bring. Your. Self. Down.

Which got me to thinking; do we sit up in our ivory towers, or do we truly get down in the trenches serving those who need it most?

Every day on my way to work, I drive by Beans Cafe and Brother Francis Shelter.  I see "the very least of these" and I am reminded that Christ came to save "even these".  How many of us actually take the time to interact with those who have less?

I am reminded of Matthew 10:6 "But go rather to the lost sheep of Israel."  We are commanded to minister to the lost.  To those who might make us uncomfortable.

Jesus didn't hang with the good guys.  He hung with the despised.  Matthew was a tax collector, hello, IRS?  Judas Iscariot sold him out for 30 pieces of silver; and James had quite the temper.  These were not exactly Godly people.  Yet Christ chose to honor them.  Are we doing the same?  Are we choosing to honor those with less?

If you are looking for ways to do this, make a sack lunch and give it to someone.  Put a tract in it.  When you are ready for a new handbag, put some female supplies/hygiene supplies in your old one and give it to someone.  Minister to those with less.  Who knows, you might just be the person who reaches them.

This is my challenge to you - take a look around.  What can you do?  How can you mirror Christ's love to the lowest of the low?.

Thanksgiving

Another Thanksgiving is in the books.  Well, for the most part.  I decided to have the small people invade our home for a few days.  Moms want to do Black Friday shopping.  I've done it before.....I'm not into it anymore.  It's more hassle than what it's worth.

I have the big boys right now.  One is out cold with Grandpa, the other two are bouncing off the walls.  Literally bouncing off the walls.  The two littles will be here eventually.  Then it will get really crazy around here.  I'll complain about the noise, but deep down in side I will be smiling.  I love being surrounded by my grandkids, even if they are loud and boisterous. 

As for Thanksgiving, my life has changed.  I used to be the one who had the big meal, and everyone came over.  My youngest daughter has taken over.  Her home is big enough to set up a table for 20 plus.  She and my son in love set a beautiful table.  And she cooks.  She cooks like I cook.  Too much.  Oh, she farms some stuff out, but mostly she cooks.  Her cranberry sauce is amazing.  She makes sure that everyone has something they can eat.  That's quite the feat, as there are several different allergies in the family.  And of course, no one has the same allergy. 

This year, I brought my slippers along.  So what?  Well here's the thing.  When I was growing up, I had a grandmother who always brought slippers, or house shoes with her.  When I did that today, I cringed.  I don't want to turn into that grandma.  But I also knew that I needed to protect my feet from the melted snow that manages to get dragged all over.  At least I didn't bring gold house shoes.  Shiny, gold house shoes.  I will never forget those thing.  Ever.  And I will never own a pair either.

This year, I FaceTimed my oldest friend and her family.  They drove to Missouri to see her parents.  I was able to show them what the holidays look like in Alaska.  It was pretty neat. 

Now, I just need to sit back and wait for the littles......then it's really going to get crazy. 

I gotta get back in the habit

Once again, I find myself behind on posting.  I have to get a handle on this.  I really do.

I've had almost a whole week to myself at home.  The hubs took off for California and BlizzCon with his podcast buddy.  I was a little put off that I couldn't go.  He says he was worried about my latex allergy, but I think he just wanted to be silly with his buddy.  Part of me is jealous, but part of me has welcomed the break.  I got quite a bit done around the house while he was gone, and now it seems more like home.

I was also able to have a get together for my lady friends.  I hosted a Norwex party, and we had a wonderful time.  I finally have a place big enough that I can have people over.  It's a wonderful feeling.  I was so excited to be able to entertain again.  It was awesome. 

And after the party was over, I kept the littles for the night.  I gave my oldest a night alone with her hubby.  No kids to worry about, just them.  I had so much fun with the littles.  I'm not sure if Khloe slept.  The television was on all night, and I think she might have watched Nick Jr. all night long.  It really wouldn't surprise me.

I think the best part was when Caius decided to tell me he pooped.  He stripped his pull up off and proceeded to bring it to me upstairs.  Thank you, child.  Just what I needed.

Coming in as a close second for fun moments was the moment I came back inside, after shoveling the snow, and putting the car seats in the truck.  I found the dog eating the remaining pancakes in the living room, Caius' clothes all over the floor, and the two children hiding.  Yeah, that was a close second. 

All in all, it was a fun night.  They got to snuggle with grandma, watch tv, and generally misbehave. 

Mom, can I.......?

I love these phone calls.  Mom, can I substitute chicken broth for vegetable broth?  Mom, I'm making pancakes and I don't have any buttermilk.  What can I use instead?  Mom, how do you make meatloaf?

These are the best phone calls in the world to me.  My kids are grown.  They are married and have their own kids.  I thought it was going to be hard when they finally fled the nest.  Some days it is.  I was worried I would feel like my kids didn't need me anymore.  What would I do? 

I married into a ready made family.  Insta-mom.  My world was flipped upside down and inside out almost overnight.  All of a sudden, I had these two little people who I was responsible for (along with their father).  Their lives were changed just as much as mine.   I would love to say it was easy.  It wasn't.  I had this picture of what life with children was supposed to be.  Ribbons, bows, baking and sewing.  Yeah, no.  It was more like duct tape and Elmer's glue.  Oh, I baked, and sewed, and tried to make the fairy tale in my mind a reality.  Looking back, I think I tried too hard. 

Now, when my kids say that they are just trying to be like me when they were young, I want to shake them by their shoulders and tell them to stop.  I had it all wrong.  Don't be like me.  Learn from my mistakes.  It doesn't have to be perfect.  Really, it doesn't.  Have fun.  Explore with your kids.  Look at the world through their eyes.  Play in the rain.  Make snow angels.  Have a snowball fight.  Spend the afternoon coloring.  Make memories.  Because eventually, you are going to be older, and your kids will be grown, and they'll be calling you to ask if you can substitute chicken broth for vegetable, and what to used in place of buttermilk.

Oh, and if you are wondering, the answers are yes and milk with either vinegar or lemon juice (oh and add a few tablespoons of sugar to the dry ingredients.  Trust me on this one).

Almost unpacked.......almost

We have just a handful of boxes left, and they are big boxes.  You know, the baking pans, food dehydrator, miscellaneous kitchen stuff.  I really should be working on those things right now.  But I'm not.  I'm doing fun stuff on my holiday.

I face timed my dearest friend this morning.  She didn't answer, but did call back.  I gave her a "tour" of our new place.  It was kinda neat doing that over face time :)

Now, I'm looking towards the bedroom and a mountain of laundry that needs to get done.  I'm trying to motivate myself to do it.  It's not working.

I'm starting to settle in to a routine in the new place.  I like the space.  I don't feel so bottled up.  I can almost relax now.  Almost.  I just have a few more things to get done......

So I'm behind on my postings.......I have a good reason.  Really I do.  We moved.  Around the corner.  Yup, we moved around the corner and it took over a week to get it all done.  And the worst part is that we aren't even unpacked yet.

I prepared for this move.  I really did.  I made a plan.  I rented a truck, I took a week off work.  I had a plan.  I was ready.  Yeah, right.  You know what "they" say about plans, right?  "The best laid plans of mice and men often go asunder" or something like that.  And my plan went asunder.

I tried packing stuff up ahead of time.  That didn't work.  So, the week of, I was trying to get stuff packed and moved.  Here's the problem.  The new place wasn't ready yet.  The good part is that the new place is owned by my daughter and her husband.  They are renting it to us.  They decided to move back to their other place once those tenants moved out.  It's a long story for a different day.  Trust me.

Anyway, she was trying to move out of one place into the other, and we were trying to do the same thing.  It was really a comedy of errors.  Today I can laugh about it.  The week of moving, not so much.

The first few days, my husband was working, so it was up to me to get as much done as possible.  I tried.  Then my husband was off work.  That's when the fun really started.  4 days of solid moving, one of which involved a truck.  We enlisted help for the day of the truck.  We got all the big stuff moved.   We took the truck back the next morning with a whopping 5 miles on it.  Like I said, we were moving around the corner.

The last day of moving, the hubs was back to work, which probably saved his life. Don't get me wrong, he was a tremendous help.  His ability to lift and move heavy objects is amazing.  He just doesn't think the same way I do, God love him.  So, when he went back to work on Sunday, I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief.  The upstairs still had to be finished, and then we had to do the obligatory wipe down/vacuum.  Thank goodness we didn't have to clean the carpets, as the apartment was being renovated once we were out. 

One of my dear friends came over as did one of my son in loves.  We got it done.  There was still garbage that needed to be taken out, and my oldest planned on doing that the next day.  The landlady was gracious and said we could come back the next night to do the vacuuming, etc.  We did it!!!!

Of course, the next day, the garbage didn't get hauled, because the youngest granddaughter got sick, so we loaded it up and took it to the new place, along with the rest of the trash, and then vacuumed and wiped stuff down.  8:00 pm on Tuesday night, and it was finished.  We went to our new home and promptly crashed. 

As I said, it was a typical adventure for our family.  We had a plan, and it didn't work.  That's okay.  We got it done, we worked together, and life is now good.  I don't have the bass from the neighbors echoing in my ear at 9:30 pm every night.  I'd say that's a good thing!

Self-Doubt

It’s something that I struggle with on a daily basis.  Am I good enough?  Do I really know what I am doing?  Is this really a good idea?  It’s something that I have struggled with all of my life, not just my adult life, but all of my life. 

I had started to let that self-doubt over take me.  It was starting to rule my life.  That is a huge admission for me right there.  HUGE.  Ripping myself open and baring my soul huge. And today I can say that and not be afraid.  Okay, maybe a little afraid, but I am not shaking in my shoes worried that I am going to disappoint someone.  And that is another huge step. 

A few hours ago, I would not have been able to say this.  Yup, just a few short hours ago.  Crazy, huh?  How can my life change so drastically in just a short amount of time?  I literally had a light bulb moment.  You know, kind of when you walk in a dark room and hit the light switch.  The light goes on and it’s all clear.  Well that just happened for me. 

We’ve had some changes at work.  Personnel changes that have been drastic to say the least.  People have retired, and new people have taken their places.  And with these changes there has been a change in the atmosphere.  There is a smile in the air, for lack of a better way to put it.  And the smile is contagious.  And the smile puts you at ease.  Especially when you have to explain things.  Today, I had to explain things to the new people. 

One of the things I do at my job is the monthly budget projections.  I am given a whole bunch of information from Juneau, and I have to put it together and make sure that we are not over expending ourselves.  This is a daunting task, especially when it is the first report of the fiscal year.  And things have changed from last year.  I got through it.  I found problems and I was able to question them, and understand the answer, and explain the answer to the powers that be.  Now here’s the big part.  I was confident, and when I was done, the self-doubt that used to be there after explaining this wasn’t there.  It’s still not there.  It’s gone.  I actually knew (and know) what I am doing.  And it felt good.  And right.  And all of a sudden, my confidence came back.  Like a light switching on in a dark room.  And the first thing I did was look up and say “thank you”.  That peace hit me today.  In the middle of all of my turmoil, that peace that passeth all understanding hit me.  I know that no matter what happens, I can stand confident.  I can stand tall (and that’s a big deal for a shorty like me).  I know in the depths of my being that it is okay.  I know what I am doing, and no one can take that away. 

What an amazing feeling!

 

So, I'm running behind.  Story of my life.  I honestly think I will be late to my own funeral, seriously.  I'm even contemplating putting it into my will, wheel me in half an hour late. 

We are moving.  It's only around the corner, but still, we are moving.  We've got years of junk that we are trying to go through, before we move.  And it overwhelms me.  Like seriously overwhelms me.  To the point of I just want to pull up the covers and hide overwhelms me.  I don't like this feeling.  Nope, not at all.

This weekend we were able to go through a closet.  This was a serious achievement because the closet had several rubbermaid tubs in it.  We got rid of a bunch of junk.  Yay!  This week, I need to go through the other closets.  One of them has all of my sewing stuff in it.  Yeah, that's gonna be wicked.  All of my "someday" fabric.  That's going to be really hard. 

Then we need to box up the downstairs.  Oh man, the downstairs......yeah.  No. 

Then, I start thinking about this.  We have wanted to downsize for a long time.  This is actually our chance.  We can weed out the stuff we haven't used in forever, and just move what we actually do use.  It might just work this time.  Might.  Maybe.

I know once this is over, it will be so much better.  I get that.  I am looking forward to that.  I just don't like the getting there part.  And because I don't like the getting there part, I dawdle.  And when I dawdle, I get behind, which puts me back to the beginning, only now I am even more behind. 

I'm really starting to wonder......

all of the fires right now, and the massive storms, and the wars.  Am I going to hear trumpets soon?  Are the four horsemen of the Apocalypse going to show up? 

I have been seriously pondering this for a while now.  These past two weeks, I have really brought this home.  We've got this crazy little man over in North Korea threatening to start hurling bombs and missles at us, we have crazy but wildfires all over Washington, Oregon, Montana, California and who knows where else, Texas was nearly wiped off the map by Harvey, and now Irma could sink Florida.  Then we have Jose coming up behind Irma and goodness only knows where he is going to end up.  All of this doesn't even take into consideration all of the fighting going on over in the Middle East.  Europe has been under file with terrorist attacks.  Spain, France, England....where else?  I really cannot keep up any longer.

My concern with all of this is my family.  Yeah, I know, we all worry about our families.  I am talking about the people I grew up with.  Half of them don't talk to me, so if I even say anything, it will fall on deaf ears.  The other half, I have no idea where they stand.  I worry about them all. 

I pray every day, all day.  Seriously, all day long.  No, I am not on my knees head bowed.  I talk with God.  I thank Him for that green light, I ask Him to watch over the folks on 3rd Avenue.  As I drive by a school, I ask Him to protect everyone there, and when I see the fighter jets flying over my home, I thank Him for freedom.  When someone crosses my mind, I ask Him to be with them. 

So, there you have it.  That's what's on my mind today.

I posted this on Facebook first.  

 

Yesterday, I posted about walking along the street. Let me explain please, as I was posting from my phone and typing is not always easy......in days gone by, when couples would walk along the street, the men walked on the street side (or outside) and the women walked on the non-street side (or inside). The purpose of this was to help protect the women from calamity. Run away horses, splashing mud puddles, errant automobiles, etc.

That practice seems to have gone by the wayside now. Many women do not feel that they need to be "protected". They get offended when men open doors for them, when to me, that is not just plain old nice, but also a sign of respect. It seems so many women are caught up in proving they are "just like a man" that the world is losing something even more important, a soft touch. And because that soft touch is disappearing, the world is becoming a hard place.

I’m having one of those days.  You know the ones.  Everything is blah.  Nothing really matters.  The sunshine has been next to non-existent, which just makes it worse.  When I try to put my finger on the cause of the doldrums, I can’t.  The only thing I can think of is that I just want a hug. 

This summer has been strange.  We haven’t had much sunshine.  Oh, there was as stretch there that had gorgeous weather, and then it turned gloomy.  I don’t like gloomy.  Wait, let me rephrase that.  I like the occasional gloomy day.  They are stay home, curl up with a good book and a cup of coffee or tea, and just read.  Maybe put a fire in the fire place and just relax.  But after two week’s worth of gloom, I just want to give up.  Oh we have had a few nice days, but they have been few and far between lately. 

Before anyone gets their panties in a wad, let me state the obvious.  I am not going to give up.  That’s a promise. 

I decided to look at the weather history for this summer, just to see how far off I am in my grumblings.  I am writing this on August 25, 2017.  Since June 1, 2017 we have had 34 days of sun.   That’s 52 days of rain.  52 days!  No wonder I feel so blah!  And the next 4 days call for rain too! 

I guess I will just keep looking at my fake window on my wall and pretend that I am looking out into a beautiful sunshiney forest.  And I will focus on the words below my fake window.  “Dream until your Dreams come true.” 

I think I’ll dream of sunshine.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.  I've heard that so many times.  I've tried to live by it.  I don't want to look back at life and say, "what if....?"  Today is another one of those days.  I stepped outside my comfort zone.  I took a chance, and I honestly have no idea how it will turn out.

My direct supervisor is retiring.  Her position finally posted.  Last week.  Early last week.  It closes at 5pm today. So what did I do?  Yup.  I waited until this weekend to write my cover letter.  And then, when I couldn't get logged in to the application system, I had to finish up today.  During the eclipse.  Why is that last tidbit important?  It's not, I just felt like throwing it in there. 

I am proud of myself for doing this.  Part of me says I have a snowball's chance in Hades of getting this position.  But part of me thinks I will be the perfect fit.  I already understand much of the inner workings of our agency.  I made sure I mentioned that in my cover letter too.

I hate cover letters.  They are so hard to write.  Let me rephrase that.  I hate writing my own cover letter.  I can write about anyone else.  I can take the most ho-hum job and make it sound fascinating on paper.  But I have a hard time glorifying myself.  I honestly don't like to draw attention to myself.  "Oh, hey, look at me!"  "See what wonderful things I have accomplished!"  Not my cup of tea.  Nope, not at all.  I'm more of a coffee person anyway.

So after fighting with the website, and resetting my password several times, I was able to log in.  Then the fun really started.  Someone forgot to update her application.  Someone forgot to update her resume.  Someone had a REALLY hard time finding her resume.  Oh my goodness.  I'm such a dweeb!  After I finally updated all that information, it was time to go through the application process.  Of course, it's not just attach your cover letter, resume and hit submit.  Nooooooo, now you have to answer 20 questions pertaining to your qualifications for the position.  Of course, I couldn't just cut and paste, because, well, I didn't think about it until just now.  No, I answered each and every one of those questions and wrote thought provoking paragraphs as answers. 

And now that the process is over, I don't feel a sense of relief, I feel a sense of peace.  It's either that, or I am so numb from the process that I just don't feel anything.  Either way, I'm not stressed. Either I will get an interview or I won't.  Either way, I have a job, and honestly, it's  job that I love, so I am happy.  However, if something magical happens, well, I'll just say it was because of the eclipse.

Are you up for a challenge?

I feel so deflated.  I watch the news and I am just saddened.  The more I watch the news, the more dejected I become.  Yet I cannot pull myself away.  More violence, more terror, more hatred.  When will it all end?  Why can't we all just get along?

I know I've written about this before.  Today, I don't care.  Today, I just want it all to stop.  Today, I want everyone to just do one nice thing for a stranger.  Just one.  Maybe buy a cup of coffee for the person behind you.  Maybe compliment a stranger.  Maybe just hold a door open.  Maybe pick some flowers and leave them on the doorstep of your neighbor, or even a stranger.  Just do something nice. 

How hard is it to smile?  Did you know it actually takes less muscles to smile than it does to frown?  Did you know that?  Why are you wasting energy by frowning?  There's an old saying, "Smile, it makes folks wonder what you have been up to".  Do it.  Smile.  Make someone wonder. 

Step outside of your comfort zone today.  Even if it is just half a step.  Do it.  Who knows, you may find something comforting and expand your area.  Just try it.  That's all I ask. 

That's my challenge.  Step out, do something nice, smile.  Make the change.  Be the change. 

I have decided I'm going to build a blanket for and go hide in it. 

If only life were really that easy.  I've gotten to the point that I am afraid to turn on the news.  The hatred shown every day is overwhelming.  Everyone seems to think they are the only right group. 

This country was always referred to as a melting pot.  We are a mixture of peoples and ideals.  We are supposed to, emphasis on supposed to, work together for the common good.  We've seen world leaders rise and fall, yet Americans have always stood tall.  Until now. 

I used to picture the term melting pot as a big pot of stew cooking over an open flame.  Everything mixed so well together.  Then someone, somewhere, threw in something that curdled the pot.  Now, we are a bunch of little splinter groups, all believing their little group is the right group; and all the rest of the groups are just wrong.

I used to believe that for the most part, we were all working towards the same goal.  I now know just how wrong I was to think that.  Oh, there are still folks trying to work together to make our country better.  Unfortunately, it seems there are more working  against this than for it. 

Today, a woman lost her life, because some splinter groups decided to have at it.  From what I understand, this was supposed to be a peaceable demonstration against the removal of a Confederate statue.  This is the part I don't understand.  Why did you need to ship in dozens (probably hundreds, but I can't personally verify that, so I'll go with dozens) of protestors? 

We are supposed to be a civilized society.  What has happened?  Seriously, what has happened? 

Now here's another thought.  The North Korean's could very easily be watching all this and thinking they won't even need to nuke us, because we are going to blow ourselves up and they won't have to worry about us.  Okay, it's a stretch, but think about it.  We are supposed to be the powerhouse of the world, and what the hell are we doing?  We are killing each other off, because we cannot seem to get our act together.  Some powerhouse.  More like laughing stock.  I'm actually embarrassed.  Which is why I want to build a fort and go hide.  But I won't.  I'm gong to be an adult.  I'm going to be strong.  I'm going to remember that we are all created equal.  ALL.  I'm going to do my best to set a good example.  Oh, I'll mess up sometimes.  But I will try. 
 

I went camping this weekend.  It started out just the grandsons and me.  I called my oldest and asked what she was doing.  I know that she has 7 kids right now and is always looking for ways to keep them occupied without killing themselves.  I asked her if she wanted to come along. 

We went to my favorite campsite.  Finger Lake State Rec Park.  It's amazing for camping with families.  It's on a lake (go figure), and they have a section cordoned off for swimming/splashing/general water horseplay.  They have a boat ramp and a day use area, which amazingly enough is by the swimming area.  And they have life vests available for boaters and swimmers.  Then there are the campsites.  One side is designated RV/Campers and the other side is designated tent camping.  They have outhouses/pit toilets.  But they are nice.  Cement floors, lots of toilet paper, well ventilated and the camp host cleans them twice a day.  Here's the best part, it's only $25 a night to camp.  It's safe, it's clean, it's family oriented.  And, you have have two tents and two vehicles per campsite, so, that made it even better. 

This weekend was a lovely weekend.  We haven't had many of those this year.  I was blessed two weeks ago, for a lovely weekend for fish camp as well.  That's about all the nice weekends we've had this summer, I think.  Amazingly enough, they have been on my long weekends, so I have truly been able to enjoy them. 

Anyway, I get there first, and pick an awesome spot.  Some shade, some sun, close to the toilets, and not too far from the lake.  So the boys and I set up my tent.  My tent is not one of those dome tents, that you can't stand up in.  I have the Sam's Club instant setup 2 room tent that sleeps something like 10 adult people comfortably.  I know this because I had 9 people of various sizes in there and we still had plenty room. 

My daughter made it there about an hour or so after me.  She got her stuff set up and the madness began.  We got our bathing suits on and went to the lake.  Let the kids splash/swim/cool off.  We get everyone into the appropriate sized life vest, and we let them have at it.  Other folks were there and of course they had cool pool toys.  We did not, because of course, I never bought any.  Silly Grandmama.  The littles finally got cold, so we headed on back to camp to cook dinner. 

My daughter and I pooled our food resources and I came up with a pretty amazing dinner.  And it pleased all 10 kids.  Seriously, all 10 kids enjoyed what they ate.  I had several pouches of freeze dried chili mac, hot dogs, and cup of noodles.  It was awesome.  Then it came time for s'mores/toasted marshmallows.  About this time I realize we are running low on a few things, so I head to the store to grab and a few things.  A few hours later, we finally get the kids down.  Who cares about the amount of sugar they are eating.  We're camping. 

When morning rolls around, neither one of us adults was really ready to take apart the camp.  It was such a nice day, that we decided we needed to stay one more day.  So, back to the store I went.  This time, I came back with pool noodles, because I rock.  We get the kids to the lake and my daughter realizes she is supposed to go to a birthday party.  Great.  Here's the thing.  They party is literally 8 minutes away.  She was calling to cancel, when she found out everyone else cancelled as well.  So, all 12 of us went to the party.  It was amazing.  They had a small pool, slip and slides, a little trampoline, and water balloons.  I stayed away from the balloons, and the kids did an awesome job keeping them away from me. 

Several hours later, it was time to go back to camp.  My daughter took the kids back to the lake, and I cooked dinner.  Here's the thing.  I had 2 pans, 2 coffee pots and a beach bucket that had no handle anymore, along with my cooking utensils, and I had 12 to feed.  This dinner was a veritable smorgasbord of camp food.  We had the requisite ramen and hot dogs, some more chili mac, mac and cheese, baked beans, and hot dogs.  I cooked in shifts and used the handleless bucket as a serving container.  By the time everyone returned, dinner was ready, and once again, all the kids had their favorites.

By now, the kids have made friends with other kids at the campground, and my daughter has made friends with their parents.  Oh, and my youngest daughter makes it out to camp to bring more clothes and meds for the boys.  It's a literal mad house.  Then we find out that one of my kids' childhood friend is camping there with her kids, so it grows even more. 

This is what camping is supposed to be.  Everyone having fun, making new friends, and memories. 

I'm getting used to this

Several months ago, my husband changed jobs at the railroad.  He went from an inside, desk (white collar) job to an outside, yard (blue collar) job.  With this change, his shift changed as well.  For years (22 or more) my husband worked the swing or late shift.  When he was in retail, he worked the closing shift, when he went to the railroad, he worked the swing shift.  We used to joke that his choice in shift is what kept us married so long.  Now, he is on my shift.  You know the one, 8am to 5pm (or something thereabouts). 

Now we spend time together.  This has taken some getting used to.  Now we have a morning bathroom schedule.  I get up first, so I have my time in the bathroom.  Not that I need a long time, but I just don't like sharing.  I admit it, I'm selfish. 

We also have one day a week off together.  This has also taken some getting used to.  We spend Saturdays together.  All day.  Saturday used to be my day for running errands in the morning, before he would head off to work.  I could go at my own pace, where I wanted, and do what I wanted.  That's what I wanted to do today.  Go run my errands.  I had a mental list of what I needed to do and where I wanted to go.  The hubs decided he wanted to go with so we could spend time together.  Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful that after 21 years of marriage he still wants to spend time with me.  Extremely very grateful.  It just surprised me that he wanted to go run errands with me.  I mean, it's not that fun.  Run to Walgreens to pick up a prescription, then Natural Pantry to see if they have a sodium free baking soda substitute (they don't, just in case you are wondering), then to Wal-Mart to get pop and a few other things.  I mean, that's not really fun.  Then he surprised me.  He took me to breakfast.  We went to Kriner's Diner.  If you've never been, you need to go.  If you ever make it to Anchorage, you need to go.  I love the saying on the back of their shirts "Not trying to make everyone happy, just a solid 75%". 

Anyway, the hubs and I are spending time together.  It's kind of weird.  For so long, we've been on such different schedules, that being together is taking some getting used to.  It's almost like just getting married.  Seriously.  For so long, you had your own schedule, and then you add someone else, and you need to learn how to adjust and share and compromise.  And then you get neat surprises, like breakfast out.

One of the things I've learned with this change, is how sweet my husband is.  I know, that sounds terrible to say after 21 years of marriage.  Work with me, okay?  I've know he is a wonderful sweet man for a long time.  I wouldn't have married him otherwise.  But now, I'm being reminded on a daily basis just how sweet he is.  We interact with each other every day.  And with all this interacting, he finds ways surprise me with little things. 

We are also finding ways to laugh and joke with each other.  Like today, for example.  I commented that we are kind of like that Facebook meme.  You know the one.  The guy says he likes to hold his wife's hand at the mall.  It looks so romantic, but its actually economical.  She can't run off and shop.

Hey, wait a minute...... I need to go have a talk with the hubs........

No, you amaze me

When I came home from work yesterday, there was a package waiting for me on my doorstep.  It was from my friend who I went and visited a few weeks ago.  Inside the package was 2 jars of low sugar strawberry-rhubarb jam, and a card.  I must admit, I didn't find the card until after I telephoned her to thank her for the jam.  I was shocked when she told me she made it.  She is determined to be more like me.

After I found the card and read it, I kept thinking, are you serious?  You want to be more like me?  I'm so messed up!  I only LOOK like I have my stuff together.  I really don't.  So I know how to bake bread.  Big deal.  Anyone can make bread if they can follow the very simple instructions in the recipe.  Yes, I know how to bake cakes from scratch, and make frosting from scratch as well.  Again, if you can follow simple instructions, you can do it.  It's really not that hard. 

She admired how I love my Saviour, husband, kids and grand kids.  Is she kidding?  I admire how her children talk to her.  They tell her what's going on in their lives.  I am amazed at how patient she is with her youngest child.  She doesn't let her frustration show when the child is pushing every button.  I wish I had that capability when my kids were that age.  I am amazed at how grounded in her faith she is.  She is strong.  She has to be, she's a military wife as well.  And right now her husband is deployed and has been since January.  She does it all.  I wish I was more like her.

Here's the thing, she now knows how much I wish I was like her.  Because I know she's reading this.  I told her that there would be a blog about her.  I wasn't kidding.  I won't mention her name, it's not for me to do.  But she knows.  And she knows how much I love her.  Because I've told her that so many times before.

Everything is changing

I went to fish camp this weekend.  I was so looking forward to time on the beach, standing in the water and reconnecting with God.  That is not going to happen this year.  Oh, I went, I stood in the water, and I tried to reconnect with God, it just wasn't the same as past years.

I know, I know, nothing ever stays the same.  Everything changes.  Way down deep inside, I know fish camp was bound to change.  It's crowded now.  People are rude.  It's almost as bad as dipnetting on the Kenai.  Oh, did I mention I went to Kasilof?  It's where I go every year.  It used to be peaceful.  It used to be serene.  It used to be.....fish camp.

One of my girlfriends has been there since the beginning of July.  She sets up her village we call "Little Tijuana" (she's of Mexican heritage).  Everything was ready to go and set up when I arrived.  She even had a tent set up for me to use.  The kitchen area was huge this year.  I should have taken pictures.  I didn't.  But it wasn't the same.  I missed the old fish camp.

I know, I keep complaining that nothing is the same.  Honestly, I can deal with change.  Really, I can.  I accept change.  I accept that we all grow older.  I accept that change can bring good things.  I just don't want to accept change when it comes to fish camp.

Oh, I'll go again next year.  I'll do my best to have an open mind.  I'll try to accept the change.  Who knows, maybe I will change this time.

Jesus wants me for a zombie..........

I love the things that come out of kids mouths.  My grandchildren have had some real whoppers.  Take the title of this post.  I have a kids Sunday School sing along CD that I played in the truck for many years.  I've actually had to burn copies of it because I've worn it out and/or scratched it up.  One day, several years ago, my oldest grandchild asked me to play the "Zombie" song.  The conversation went something like this:

Grandchild - 'Grandma, would you please play the Zombie song?'
Me - 'What Zombie song?'
GC - 'You know Grandma, the Zombie song!"
Me - 'No, I don't know what Zombie song.'
GC - 'You know Grandma, "Jesus Wants me for a Zombie".'
Me - 'No, Jesus wants you for a SUNBEAM.
GC - 'Oh'

My two oldest granddaughters were spending the night one night.  It was bath time.  Now in the bathroom, my foundation undergarment was hanging up on the door handle.  Granddaughter #2 and I had the following conversation:

GC - Gramma, are these your fings? (as she points to said foundation undergarment)
Me - Yes
GC - Gramma, why are your fings bigger than my mommy's fings?
Me (trying to keep a straight face) - Because I'm older than your mommy.

My youngest daughter, who is now married and has children of her own had a good one when she was in kindergarten.  I wear glasses.  At one point in time, I had contacts.  My kids (and grandkids) know that I am blind as a bat without my glasses.  On this particular day, I was walking around the house and my youngest looks up at me and asks "Mommy, are you wearing your eye tacks?"  From then on, my contacts were called eye tacks.

Having said all of this, nothing that comes out of the mouths of small people should surprise me.  Today, that was proven wrong.  I was having a conversation with my youngest child, who has been recovering from pneumonia for the past week and a half.  She proceeds to tell me that her oldest child came to her today and declared that he thinks he has leukemia.  He then proceeded to explain that he is having trouble breathing like she is, and he thinks he has leukemia.  She then asked if he meant pneumonia, to which he said yes.  Needless to say, she took him to the doctor, who prescribed antibiotics because he did sound a little congested.  

I'm holding my tongue.....and it's slippery

I'm taking the high road, kinda sorta, right now.  Okay, I'm taking the middle road right now.

I read something on Facebook just now, and I really wanted to reply and call the person on the carpet.  I didn't.  Oh, I feel so proud of myself, but I am also disappointed in myself as well.  Part of me says "look at me, I am restraining myself.  I am so wonderful."  Then this little voice inside of me says, "you are no better than the Sadducees and Pharisees in the New Testament."

The worst part about this is that I see myself falling into an old pattern.  This person says something, and I just want to jump in their face and tell them again how wrong they are.  You see, we have history.  Bad history.  And the worst part about our history, is that I haven't been able to forgive.  And that's wrong.  So when I want to get all high and mighty, it really just hurts, because I know it's wrong.

I know I have to forgive this person.  Matthew 18:35 (KJV) says this: " So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses."  The problem is that honestly, I don't want to forgive.  Part of me wants this person to hurt, because they inflicted so much hurt on others that I love so very much.  It's a pit bull moment.  (No offense to all the wonderful pit bulls out there, and their owners.  It's the best analogy I can come up with.)  I just don't want to let go.  I want to protect my loved ones, and if I forgive, then I will forget.  And if I forget, then I can't protect. 

So here I am, standing at a crossroads.  If I go right, it's the high road.  The one that just lets everything go.  If I go left, it's the low road.  The one that jumps in the fracas, and makes everything worse.  I don't want that road.  If I go forward, I don't know which way the road is going to go.  It might veer to the left, or it might veer towards the right.  I don't know.  I just know I need to pick one.  I know which one I am definitely not going to pick, and I know which one I should pick.  The problem is, can I stay on it? 

Goblins and gold and MMORPG's

I'm the wife of an up and coming internet star......

and I'm not sure how to handle it.  I never, ever in a million years would have thought that my husband and his buddy would actually have an internet following.  Don't get me wrong, I love my husband to death (sometimes death would be preferable, then I come to my senses), I just never thought that real people would find him as amusing and informative as he thinks he is.  Seriously, they think he's funny and informative.  I know this for fact, because I played a few clips from a few episodes for my best friend while I was visiting her and even she found them to be humorous.  Now here's the kicker, she doesn't play MMORPG's.  I actually gave her a basic tour of the game, and showed her the Goblins.  So then, when we listened to a whole episode, she had a idea of what was going on, AND SHE STILL FOUND THEM FUNNY!

So when I played clips of the episodes where they discuss my most recent trip to the ER, she was laughing so hard she was crying.  Now lets face it, my friends and family really think I need to be wrapped in bubble wrap and put in a sterile room because of my allergies and my ability to trip and fall over air and seriously injure myself.  I am not graceful by any stretch of the means.  Nor am I very coordinated.  So, when I end up in the ER because I fell while trying to walk on a foot that has fallen asleep, my family just considers it par for the course.  When I almost take my finger off using the Cuisinart, well, that's just plain normal for me in their books.

Now when I describe myself like this, I can assure you that my best friend can vouch for my descriptions.  She has literally known me all of my life.  Seriously.  I have pictures of us in the playpen together.  She is 3 1/2 months older than me.  Our families are related by marriage.  Her dad and my mother's brother's wife are brother and sister.  So, yeah, we've really known each other forever.  But I digress.

This week, the boys (as I lovingly call them) celebrated their one year anniversary of their podcast.  In this year, they have amassed a serious following.  I'm still in shock and awe.  I remember the time my husband came home all excited because a podcast that he listens to actually gave them a mention.  Their listenership skyrocketed.  It continues to skyrocket.  This blows my mind.  This man, who I roll my eyes at on a daily basis, is now basically an internet sensation (or pretty darned close).  People actually listen to him.  They wait for the next episode to come out.  How in the world did this happen?

As I sit here, and ponder all of this, I realize something.  I have yet another reason to love this man.  I admit that I do not always find him as funny as he finds himself, others obviously do.  And he has an uncanny ability to make people laugh, at him, at me, and everyone else.  The more I think about it, the more I realize that God really did know what He was doing when He crossed our paths.  My husband teaches me to lighten up, and I do my best to make him behave when it is absolutely necessary.  All the rest of the time, I try, but just roll my eyes.....because, well, I honestly know that he will find a reason to laugh at what I think are the most serious moments in life. 

It feels good to be home.....

Don't get me wrong, it was nice to go Outside for a week.  I saw cornfields and soybean fields and cows and horses.  I could smell the farmland.  I heard the locusts at night and watched the lightning bugs light up.

I lived small town life for a week.  Libby's Pumpkin Capital of the World small town life.  There are a lot of parallels in the life of my friend and mine, but there are far more differences.  We have both adapted to life away from the town we grew up in.  In many ways, my friend is lucky.  Her life is similar to what I remember our lives being when we were kids.  The life I thought I would have when I grew up.  Brick home, tree lined street, you know your neighbors type of life.  Leave it to Beaver meets Petticoat Junction. 

My life is more Grizzly Adams meets The Jetson's.  Okay, we don't have Rosie the maid, but close enough.  We hunt and fish.  We process our catch ourselves.  We have a food saver, pressure canner and 2 smokers (electric and charcoal).  But we have technology.  Our lives are built around technology (The Jetson's part of my life).  Technology is how we keep in touch with the Outside.  Amazon Prime is a wonderful thing when you are this far removed from "civilization".

My girlfriend is a military wife.  Her husband is currently deployed.  He will be home in a few weeks.  Military wife fits her.  She is organized.  Everything is planned out.  Everything is in its place.  I am more fly by the seat of my pants.  I'm impulsive.  I want to go fishing, I pack up and go. 

While I was visiting, she told me I am the Proverbs 31 wife.  I thought she was kidding.  I think she's the Proverbs 31 wife.  We are so different, yet so much the same.  Our husbands, children and grandchildren come first.  Then we can make time for ourselves.

I feel like Dorothy Gale right now.  At the end of the Wizard of Oz, she realized that her heart's desire is right there in her own back yard.  There's no place like home.  

You can't go back....

Seriously, you can't.  I recently (yesterday) went back to the town I was born in.  It's not home.  It is really not home anymore.  Honestly, it hasn't been home in a long time (almost 22 year to be exact).  It will never be home again.  My home, and where I am from is where I currently live and will live forever, because I'm not moving away. 

The town I grew up in has changed.  A lot.  The it has changed so much I don't even recognize it a lot.  McMansions have sprung up all over the place.  It's sad.  The place I remember is a quiet, Midwestern community.  Teenagers went to the football games.  Homecoming was a week long event full of all kinds of fun activities.  There was a parade.  The kind with floats made from hay wagons, chicken wire and paper napkins.  There were marching bands from the high school and junior high schools.  There were baton twirlers.  As a child, it was magical.  On Friday night, there was a football game.  It was an important game, because this was the time of year all the graduates came home to celebrate.  Class reunions were held during this week.  And then Saturday night was the dance.  The homecoming dance.  The only thing more important than homecoming was prom.  You were either homecoming king and queen or prom king and queen.  If you were lucky, you were both. 

So here I am back in this town that used to be so magical.  Part of me is trying to hold on to that magic, and part of me is screaming to let me out.  I got to see family that I hadn't seen in a very long time (15 years).  They were all trying to do the math on how long it had been since I visited.  I was able to pinpoint it.  I remember it well. 

My family has changed, but it is still the same.  My father's wife insists on calling me by my given name.  I did not throat punch her even though I wanted to.  I did not correct her.  It's not worth it.  My baby brother kept introducing me as "my sister Cathy from Alaska".  I gave him a hard time, so he switched to "my sister Cathy from Anchorage".  I rolled my eyes.  My father has gotten old, not just older.  He's old man old.  He's still active, he still works, but he's old.  His attitude towards life hasn't changed.  I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not.  I met my niece.  She's 12.  She's amazing.  She has her own business.  She bakes cupcakes.  If you know me, you know how much that means to me.

Deuteronomy 5:16 says "Honour thy father and thy mother, as the Lord thy God hath commanded thee; that thy days may be prolonged, and that it may go well with thee, in the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee."  I look back on my visit and ask myself how I am supposed to honor these people that I don't agree with.  We live in different worlds.  We are night and day, and again, I am day.  I am a Christian, they are not.  It's hard.  I don't want to be a "Bible thumper" but I want them to come to know the Lord.  It's hard.  It's really hard.  I think I did my best to honor them.  I was polite.  I was kind.  I didn't say what was on my mind.  I didn't make a scene.  

I learned something that day.  I learned that I don't belong there.  And now, as I sit here and type this, I have so many Parables running through my mind, and my soul is at ease.  It's okay.  I'm okay.  I.  AM.  OKAY.

I have to learn to let go. 

Much easier said than done.  My husband once said that I am like a pit bull, I get a hold of something, and I don't let go.  I see that in myself in many aspects.  I just have to keep going until I prove that I am right.  And that's not a good thing. 

I find myself doing it with my children.  Now my children are married and have children of their own mind you.  I am done raising children.  Yet, I keep trying to make them conform to my beliefs and ideals.  For the most part, I would say they are pretty good at letting me know when I have gone over the line. I still want what's best for them and their families, and this little voice inside says, "if you just do this, it will be so much easier".  Yeah, no.

I try help out when things are tough.  Be it a shopping trip to the store, or a shopping trip to my pantry/freezer.  I try to help out with the grands, although I have to admit, it is easier to help with the boys as opposed to the girls and boy.  Family dynamics are different.

This is where the learning to let go part comes in.  There are past hurts.  Real and imagined.  Some are probably mountains that should be mole hills.  Some are very different beliefs.  Sometimes these beliefs are at odds with each other.  Big time at odds with each other.  Like night and day, and in my mind I am day. 

So here I am, wanting to have something better, stronger; yet afraid to take that step because of the past.  Because, like a pit bull, I am hanging on, and I shouldn't. 

What doesn't kill us.......

This has been a long couple of months.  I swear I have been on some sort of roller coaster ride and honestly, I just want to get off of it.  I've lost a dear friend.  Another dear friend has been diagnosed with an aggressive cancer.  I was told I had had a TIA, only to find out it's Meniere's Disease (not sure which is the better option right now).  Oh, and a grandson has been diagnosed with a seizure disorder.  Yeah, we can stop the roller coaster right about now.  I think we are all done with the ride.

But we can't.  We have to keep on going.  If we stop, that means the Satan wins.  I have news for you, Satan is not going to win in my life.  Philippians 4:13 tells us "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me".  (KJV)  I'm kinda holding on for dear life to this one right about now.  Paul doesn't say some things, or this thing, he says ALL THINGS.  That's a lot of things.  Big things, little things, round things, square things, and oddly shaped things.  Then of course there are the things that aren't even shapes.  They are just things.  Anyway, I am assured many times over in God's word that I will not be left alone.

John 14:18 "I will not leave you comfortless; I will come to you" (KJV).  He will come to me.  God is not going to leave me hanging out there like laundry on the clothes line.  He will come to me.  He will comfort me.  So when I think of this, it brings to mind another verse.  Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing." (KJV)  A friend of mine and I noticed how much this verse kept coming up a few years back.  She painted a picture of our Heavenly Father just opening up his arms and singing over us.  I love that image.  He's got me.  No matter what, He's got me.  I'm going to be okay. It may not be easy, but it will be okay.

So, I have this diagnosis.  Meniere's Disease.  What is it?  Of course, I had to go look it up on the net.  Yeah, I'm all over that one.  So here it is, in a nutshell.  My inner ear is messed up.  I can hear conversational tones.  That's it.  Oh, and you know that feeling you get when your head is plugged up and your ears want to pop?  Yeah, that's how my ear feels about 50% to 75% of the time.  Oh, and there is this CONSTANT, NONSTOP, ANNOYING buzzing/ringing/whooshing in my ear.  ALL.  THE.  TIME.  Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week.  And I get dizzy spells.  That's what started this whole thing.  I had a nasty dizzy spell which landed me in the ER.  It was the kind of spell that feels like you are spinning around at high speeds in a tilt-a-whirl at the carnival and then you get sick.  Like pass the bucket sick.  About 6 - 8 weeks later, I had another one of those spells.  Only this time, I had anti-nausea medicine that worked like a champ.  So when I told the ENT about the second spell, that's when he told me what I have.  We can treat the symptoms, but there is no cure.  

Another thing is that my balance is shot.  Like I can trip over air, shot.  Guess what, that's another symptom.  Yeah, all this time we thought I was clumsy, nope.  I have a logical reason why I trip over air.  So, yeah.  I may have to start using a cane to help me stay upright.  No wonder I love pushing the cart at the grocery store.  I feel stable.  

So, I will keep claiming those verses (and all the other ones I can find as well).  It's going to be okay.  Because God said so, and I believe Him.
 

What is this world coming to?

Pretty broad topic, I know.  As I watch the news, or what passes for news these days, that thought keeps coming to my mind.  What is this world coming to?  There is so much hatred, and I don't mean the childish kind.  Remember when we were kids and we would fight?  Over stupid stuff, but we would "build our armies" with neighbors, cousins, friends from school, etc.?  By the time we got done naming names, we had forgotten what we were fighting about. 

Hatred today is different.  It goes to the core of a person's being.  And it is so strong, that it must be acted upon.  A U.S. Representative is lying in a hospital recovering from gunshot wounds, because someone hates Republicans so much that he had to try to take them out.  How did we get to this point?  No, this is not a rhetorical question.  Seriously, how in the name of Sam Hill did we ever get to this point?  I have my theories about it, but they are theories, not truths, not proven, just my thoughts. 

First and foremost, we, as a society, have left God behind.  Before anyone starts going crazy on me, remember, these are my thoughts.  If you know me, you know that I am a deeply spiritual person.  I believe in God.  I believe that He sent his Son to die on the cross as atonement for our sins.  I do my best to live a godly life.  I am not perfect.  Not by any stretch of the means.  I am, however, forgiven.  I believe this to my core.  I will never be perfect, nor will I ever deserve the forgiveness I have been given.  (John 3:16) (Romans 3:23)

Okay, so back to my first thought.  When I was growing up, things were different.  We've all heard that before.  When I was a little girl, we walked to school and from school barefoot and uphill, both ways, in the snow.  I admit, I didn't have to go barefoot, I had shoes and boots; and it wasn't uphill, it was pretty flat.  It was the Midwest.  Corn country.  It was flatter than flat.  Anyway.  In the late 60's and early 70's, little girls were expected to wear dresses to school.  All the time.  We wore shorts under our dresses on PE days.  We also wore them under our dresses if we knew we were going to be playing on the jungle jim at lunch.  In the winter, we wore pants under our dresses until we reached school, and then we hung our pants up in the coat closet until it was time to go home.  The first time I remember a girl wearing pants to school all day was in second grade, and oh my goodness, we thought the world was going to end right then and there.  It was scandalous.  Now a days, it's all we can do to keep little girls covered up.  I do not want you to think that I am in favor of burkas or anything like that.  I just don't think that little girls should be running around in short shorts and bikini tops that are barely more than two scraps of fabric held together by dental floss.    And the makeup.  I see little girls today in full makeup.  But I'm getting off track.

The point I'm trying to make (and probably failing) is that once upon a time, morals were important.  Parents taught morals at home.  Teachers taught morals at school.  The golden rule was practiced.  You know the one, do unto others as you would have others do unto you.  Funny, but that comes from the Bible (Luke 6:31).  Gradually, children's feelings became more important than teaching them right from wrong.  The lines became so blurred that they don't even exist anymore.  "If it feels good, do it" seems to be the more prevalent societal rule.  You know what, it's not good.  There is no more right and wrong.  It's gone.  And you know what, it sucks. 

When I was growing up, we were entitled to 3 meals a day, a roof over our head, and clean clothes.  If we didn't like what was served, we went hungry.  We did not die.  We learned to take the good with the bad.  Sometimes we got liver and onions.  Sometimes we got steaks on the grill.  Now I will admit, the nights that liver and onions was served there was always something else available because someone could legitimately not keep that stuff down.  The point is, we learned to take the good with the bad.  It built fortitude.

Today's children seem to think that they are entitled to the latest iPhone, X-box and designer clothes.  Their wants should be the most important thing in the family unit.  If they don't get what they want, the kids call CPS to claim abuse.  Which then lead to a whole new set of problems.  The parents now cannot discipline the children, because once again, CPS is called, and it goes on and on and on.  I know it's not like this in every family.  I know that.  But it is like that in many families.  Then there are the families where Mom and Dad are divorced, kids are bounced back and forth between houses.  Mom and Dad cannot be civil to each other, so they try to buy off the children with stuff.  This creates a whole new layer.  The kids become adept at playing one parent against the other.  Then, when they get to school, they play the parents against the teacher.  The teacher tries to discipline the child at school.  The child goes home to say the teacher hurt their feelings.  Next thing you know, Mom/Dad/whoever is at the school wanting to know why they hurt precious Jimmy's feelings.  Don't you know he comes from an unstable environment.  You should be nurturing him instead of calling him on the carpet.

Now Jimmy has grown up.  He is not happy with the current political atmosphere in this country.  So, in order to do something about it, he decides to go shoot government officials.  Why does he do this?  Because he was brought up in a society that worried more about feelings than morals.  I don't want your religious rhetoric shoved down my throat, or the throat of my child(ren).  So the Golden Rule gets tossed, along with every other moral idea.

Folks, I don't care if you are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Atheist, Wiccan, whatever.  There has to be some sort of accountability.  Some sort of right and wrong.  Without it, we are doomed.

Loss

I lost a friend this week.  I never got the chance to tell her how much she meant to me.  We met many years ago at a church in South Anchorage.  There was just something about her that soothed my soul.  She didn't judge.  She listened.  She didn't try to fix it, she let you figure it out.  She prayed.  A lot.  She didn't want help, she helped.  She loved with a fierceness that I've never known before.  And her love was unconditional.

She'll never know how many times I wanted to just stop in as I drove by, but didn't, because I was afraid to let my wall down.  She'll never know how much that hug she gave every Sunday as we greeted each other meant to me, because I was too afraid to tell her.  I had to be strong and put up a good front when I felt my world was crashing down around me.

She'll never know how much just her offer to help meant to me.  I never told her.  I should have.

Now there is this hole in my life.  I need to fill it with something.  If I'm not careful, it will fill with anger and hatred.  I can't let that happen.  I have to be strong.  I have to focus on the positives and not the negatives.  I have to be stronger.  I don't want to.  I want to just give up.  I want to hide for a while, and when I am done, I want things to be better.  But here's the thing, they won't just get better.

I found a Bible verse the other day by accident.  Psalm 35:9 says "And my soul shall be joyful in the LORD:  it shall rejoice in his salvation." (KJV)  I try to remember that right now.  I try to hold it near to my heart.

I know that although I never took the time to tell my friend what she meant to me, she cared.  She lived for and loved the LORD.  She served the LORD.  I need to keep that memory intact, and model that love to those around me.  Even when I don't exactly want to.  And right now, there are some that honestly, I don't want to love.

So there you have it.....thoughts on random stuff.