Self-Doubt

It’s something that I struggle with on a daily basis.  Am I good enough?  Do I really know what I am doing?  Is this really a good idea?  It’s something that I have struggled with all of my life, not just my adult life, but all of my life. 

I had started to let that self-doubt over take me.  It was starting to rule my life.  That is a huge admission for me right there.  HUGE.  Ripping myself open and baring my soul huge. And today I can say that and not be afraid.  Okay, maybe a little afraid, but I am not shaking in my shoes worried that I am going to disappoint someone.  And that is another huge step. 

A few hours ago, I would not have been able to say this.  Yup, just a few short hours ago.  Crazy, huh?  How can my life change so drastically in just a short amount of time?  I literally had a light bulb moment.  You know, kind of when you walk in a dark room and hit the light switch.  The light goes on and it’s all clear.  Well that just happened for me. 

We’ve had some changes at work.  Personnel changes that have been drastic to say the least.  People have retired, and new people have taken their places.  And with these changes there has been a change in the atmosphere.  There is a smile in the air, for lack of a better way to put it.  And the smile is contagious.  And the smile puts you at ease.  Especially when you have to explain things.  Today, I had to explain things to the new people. 

One of the things I do at my job is the monthly budget projections.  I am given a whole bunch of information from Juneau, and I have to put it together and make sure that we are not over expending ourselves.  This is a daunting task, especially when it is the first report of the fiscal year.  And things have changed from last year.  I got through it.  I found problems and I was able to question them, and understand the answer, and explain the answer to the powers that be.  Now here’s the big part.  I was confident, and when I was done, the self-doubt that used to be there after explaining this wasn’t there.  It’s still not there.  It’s gone.  I actually knew (and know) what I am doing.  And it felt good.  And right.  And all of a sudden, my confidence came back.  Like a light switching on in a dark room.  And the first thing I did was look up and say “thank you”.  That peace hit me today.  In the middle of all of my turmoil, that peace that passeth all understanding hit me.  I know that no matter what happens, I can stand confident.  I can stand tall (and that’s a big deal for a shorty like me).  I know in the depths of my being that it is okay.  I know what I am doing, and no one can take that away. 

What an amazing feeling!

 

So, I'm running behind.  Story of my life.  I honestly think I will be late to my own funeral, seriously.  I'm even contemplating putting it into my will, wheel me in half an hour late. 

We are moving.  It's only around the corner, but still, we are moving.  We've got years of junk that we are trying to go through, before we move.  And it overwhelms me.  Like seriously overwhelms me.  To the point of I just want to pull up the covers and hide overwhelms me.  I don't like this feeling.  Nope, not at all.

This weekend we were able to go through a closet.  This was a serious achievement because the closet had several rubbermaid tubs in it.  We got rid of a bunch of junk.  Yay!  This week, I need to go through the other closets.  One of them has all of my sewing stuff in it.  Yeah, that's gonna be wicked.  All of my "someday" fabric.  That's going to be really hard. 

Then we need to box up the downstairs.  Oh man, the downstairs......yeah.  No. 

Then, I start thinking about this.  We have wanted to downsize for a long time.  This is actually our chance.  We can weed out the stuff we haven't used in forever, and just move what we actually do use.  It might just work this time.  Might.  Maybe.

I know once this is over, it will be so much better.  I get that.  I am looking forward to that.  I just don't like the getting there part.  And because I don't like the getting there part, I dawdle.  And when I dawdle, I get behind, which puts me back to the beginning, only now I am even more behind. 

I'm really starting to wonder......

all of the fires right now, and the massive storms, and the wars.  Am I going to hear trumpets soon?  Are the four horsemen of the Apocalypse going to show up? 

I have been seriously pondering this for a while now.  These past two weeks, I have really brought this home.  We've got this crazy little man over in North Korea threatening to start hurling bombs and missles at us, we have crazy but wildfires all over Washington, Oregon, Montana, California and who knows where else, Texas was nearly wiped off the map by Harvey, and now Irma could sink Florida.  Then we have Jose coming up behind Irma and goodness only knows where he is going to end up.  All of this doesn't even take into consideration all of the fighting going on over in the Middle East.  Europe has been under file with terrorist attacks.  Spain, France, England....where else?  I really cannot keep up any longer.

My concern with all of this is my family.  Yeah, I know, we all worry about our families.  I am talking about the people I grew up with.  Half of them don't talk to me, so if I even say anything, it will fall on deaf ears.  The other half, I have no idea where they stand.  I worry about them all. 

I pray every day, all day.  Seriously, all day long.  No, I am not on my knees head bowed.  I talk with God.  I thank Him for that green light, I ask Him to watch over the folks on 3rd Avenue.  As I drive by a school, I ask Him to protect everyone there, and when I see the fighter jets flying over my home, I thank Him for freedom.  When someone crosses my mind, I ask Him to be with them. 

So, there you have it.  That's what's on my mind today.

I posted this on Facebook first.  

 

Yesterday, I posted about walking along the street. Let me explain please, as I was posting from my phone and typing is not always easy......in days gone by, when couples would walk along the street, the men walked on the street side (or outside) and the women walked on the non-street side (or inside). The purpose of this was to help protect the women from calamity. Run away horses, splashing mud puddles, errant automobiles, etc.

That practice seems to have gone by the wayside now. Many women do not feel that they need to be "protected". They get offended when men open doors for them, when to me, that is not just plain old nice, but also a sign of respect. It seems so many women are caught up in proving they are "just like a man" that the world is losing something even more important, a soft touch. And because that soft touch is disappearing, the world is becoming a hard place.