What day is it?

Seriously, what day is it? This being home every day is tough on the internal calendar.  I have been the social coordinator for the family since, oh - forever.  Now that I don't have a daily focus on the date, I literally lose track of what day it is.  

I have a few clues that I use to help keep me on track.  The hubs is home on Saturday, Sunday and Monday.  Therefore, if he is home, I know its a weekend.  Unless of course he gets called in for overtime, then I am lost again.  I watch my youngest granddaughter two times a week, so when she's here, I know it's either Tuesday or Thursday.  Now, if the hubs gets a holiday tacked on to his weekend, then I am all messed up again.  

I'm trying to get my planner out and going again, someday.  The problem is, when exactly is someday?  I have always lived by the clock and calendar.  School, summer jobs, then after school jobs, then adulthood.  Wake up at a certain time, get ready and go to work.  Come home, have dinner, rest for a bit, then go to bed.  Do that five times a week, (or sometimes four if you have a flex day), then have your weekend.  

Now, because I don't have to set an alarm, my body keeps waking me up at odd times.  3:30 am, 4:00 am, or then the fun 11:00 pm, 1:00 am, 2:30 am, 4:00 am and then the hubs' alarms start going off.  I don't drink coffee after 10:00 am, unless of course it's a day that I don't get up until the afternoon.  That normally happens after I have a session of Camp Grandma Grandma.  

I'm the one who kept us close to on time for things.  It's the way I was raised.  The invitation says 9:00, you are there BY 9:00, not 9:15 or even worse, 9:30.  I was taught you give yourself plenty of time to get ready, so you can leave, on time.  Now I have to make sure I am out of the way for the mad dash to get ready and out the door.  It's been almost 25 years, and I still just don't understand this.  If you have to be somewhere across town at the top of the hour, you do not leave the house at 5 minutes before the top of the hour.  The reason you don't do this is because it takes 20 minutes to get across town, unless of course you catch all the lights on green, then it takes 15 minutes.  But I digress. 

So here I am, up since 3:30 am because I have no schedule to follow.  Not sure what to do with myself, because I need to redo my list. After three hours of trying to figure out what to do today, I started baking.  Two loaves of whole wheat pumpkin bread, an apple pie, and a sheet of chocolate chip cookie bars later, the house smells wonderful.  I still have time before I put the pork roast in the oven, so I guess I'll go bake one more thing.  Maybe someday is tomorrow, and I can find my planner then.

Today I am thankful for..........

It seems like every November, we all start really thinking of and meditating on what we are thankful for.  I am just as guilty of this as anyone else.  I try and complete the Thirty Days of Thankful challenge on Facebook.  Oh, I miss days here and there, and I make them up the next day (that I remember I am supposed to be doing this).  But why can't I remember to do this every day?  

I purchased two gratitude/thankful journals from Amazon recently.  I was really good at sitting down each morning to write what I am thankful for.  Then I started slacking.  Then November came along and I started ignoring my journals to be oh so showy by posting my thankfuls on Facebook.  Look at me, I am thankful!  More like, look at me while I compete with you to be more humble in my thankfuls.  

I keep reminding myself that Facebook isn't real.  Yes, it's a real program/app/whatever, but it is not real life.  It's not the "I'm cleaning puke out of the carpet and off the bedding at 2 am because one of the kids is sick".  It's also not the "I'm in a rough patch and I need some help" talk with your best girlfriend/therapist.  Facebook is fluff.  Don't get me wrong, we all need some fluff in our life.  

Most of us prefer our fluff not be around our midsections.  We prefer our fluff to be cutesy memes or sunshine and rainbows.  These things make us smile and pretend, just for a moment, that all is right in the world.  Then we come back to reality and the daily grind, sometimes with a resounding "thud".  We realize that our lives are not like the postings we see.  Our lives are hard.  They suck rotten eggs sometimes.  They drain us emotionally and physically.  And yet, we keep pretending that everything is great.  "Look at me, my life is so perfect".  Yeah, right.

About this time, I start realizing that I really need to take an inventory of what I am truly thankful for instead of trying to compete with everyone to prove I have the perfect life.  So, I turn back to my journals, to start the vicious cycle yet again.  

And here I am again, at the start of the cycle.  Trying to remind myself every single day that I need to focus on what I am thankful for.  Only this time, I assure myself yet again, I promise to be more real, and not full of fluff.   So what do I put down for the first four days?  Fluff.  My husband, my kids, their spouses, my grandkids.  Yes, they are important, and yes I am thankful for them.  I feel that if I don't put these choices down first, people are going to think I'm a self centered witch.  Here I am, back to competing.  Then I decide to stick my toe in the water.  Let's post something odd.  Let's be thankful for something that is really a bad thing in my life.  So, I decide to be thankful for thing that took away my life as I knew it.  

Day 5 of Thankfuls - Today, I am thankful for my Meniere's Disease. Yes, I know that sounds wrong, but just hear me out. This disease has brought new perspective to my life. It has forced me to slow down and enjoy the things I have around me. It has forced me to take a step back, and really re-evaluate what is important in my life, and what is "fluff". Had this disease not brought me to my knees, I would still be so hell bent on being everything to everyone, that I never would have taken time for me, or learned that it's okay to take time for me.

So, I post this on my page.  But then I get the bright idea to post it on the support groups that I am a part of.   "Look at me, I am so wonderful".  

Now I sit here, trying to figure out if I really feel this way, or if I am just being fluffy.  How can I be thankful for this?  Am I just showing off?  Why do I have to doubt everything I do on Facebook?  I start looking back over the past few years, and the roller coaster ride that has been my life.  What can I truly be thankful for in this mess?  And it hits me like a ton of bricks.  I AM thankful for this mess.  It has made me stop and reevaluate.  It truly has.  Yes, it has changed everything.  It has made me stop dead in my tracks and just take stock.  It has made me trust in God even more.  It has made me take a huge leap of faith, and trust that I will land on my feet.  I look at everything and realize that the bills are being met.  There is food in the house.  The dogs still have a safe place to run around.  But most of all, I am still here, able to enjoy what I have.  

As I look around my house while I write this, I realize that it is okay to be thankful for this mess of a life.  I'm still okay.  I can still hear my grandkids voices, although sometimes I have to remind them to look at me and speak up, right after I've told them they are being too loud.  I can still get around on my own two feet, and that cane that I use is there only to help me keep my balance.  I've come to realize that my cane is my friend.  I've also realized that it's okay for me to take time for me.  I have to be careful that I don't get selfish with that, so I am learning balance.  

I'll keep on posting my thankfuls this month, and I'll get back to using my journals.  Oh, I'll miss a day or two, here or there, but I will remember to be thankful, and maybe, just maybe, I will be less competitive at the end of the month.  We will see.