I have to learn to let go.
Much easier said than done. My husband once said that I am like a pit bull, I get a hold of something, and I don't let go. I see that in myself in many aspects. I just have to keep going until I prove that I am right. And that's not a good thing.
I find myself doing it with my children. Now my children are married and have children of their own mind you. I am done raising children. Yet, I keep trying to make them conform to my beliefs and ideals. For the most part, I would say they are pretty good at letting me know when I have gone over the line. I still want what's best for them and their families, and this little voice inside says, "if you just do this, it will be so much easier". Yeah, no.
I try help out when things are tough. Be it a shopping trip to the store, or a shopping trip to my pantry/freezer. I try to help out with the grands, although I have to admit, it is easier to help with the boys as opposed to the girls and boy. Family dynamics are different.
This is where the learning to let go part comes in. There are past hurts. Real and imagined. Some are probably mountains that should be mole hills. Some are very different beliefs. Sometimes these beliefs are at odds with each other. Big time at odds with each other. Like night and day, and in my mind I am day.
So here I am, wanting to have something better, stronger; yet afraid to take that step because of the past. Because, like a pit bull, I am hanging on, and I shouldn't.
Wednesday, June 28, 2017
Sunday, June 25, 2017
What doesn't kill us.......
This has been a long couple of months. I swear I have been on some sort of roller coaster ride and honestly, I just want to get off of it. I've lost a dear friend. Another dear friend has been diagnosed with an aggressive cancer. I was told I had had a TIA, only to find out it's Meniere's Disease (not sure which is the better option right now). Oh, and a grandson has been diagnosed with a seizure disorder. Yeah, we can stop the roller coaster right about now. I think we are all done with the ride.
But we can't. We have to keep on going. If we stop, that means the Satan wins. I have news for you, Satan is not going to win in my life. Philippians 4:13 tells us "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me". (KJV) I'm kinda holding on for dear life to this one right about now. Paul doesn't say some things, or this thing, he says ALL THINGS. That's a lot of things. Big things, little things, round things, square things, and oddly shaped things. Then of course there are the things that aren't even shapes. They are just things. Anyway, I am assured many times over in God's word that I will not be left alone.
John 14:18 "I will not leave you comfortless; I will come to you" (KJV). He will come to me. God is not going to leave me hanging out there like laundry on the clothes line. He will come to me. He will comfort me. So when I think of this, it brings to mind another verse. Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing." (KJV) A friend of mine and I noticed how much this verse kept coming up a few years back. She painted a picture of our Heavenly Father just opening up his arms and singing over us. I love that image. He's got me. No matter what, He's got me. I'm going to be okay. It may not be easy, but it will be okay.
So, I have this diagnosis. Meniere's Disease. What is it? Of course, I had to go look it up on the net. Yeah, I'm all over that one. So here it is, in a nutshell. My inner ear is messed up. I can hear conversational tones. That's it. Oh, and you know that feeling you get when your head is plugged up and your ears want to pop? Yeah, that's how my ear feels about 50% to 75% of the time. Oh, and there is this CONSTANT, NONSTOP, ANNOYING buzzing/ringing/whooshing in my ear. ALL. THE. TIME. Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. And I get dizzy spells. That's what started this whole thing. I had a nasty dizzy spell which landed me in the ER. It was the kind of spell that feels like you are spinning around at high speeds in a tilt-a-whirl at the carnival and then you get sick. Like pass the bucket sick. About 6 - 8 weeks later, I had another one of those spells. Only this time, I had anti-nausea medicine that worked like a champ. So when I told the ENT about the second spell, that's when he told me what I have. We can treat the symptoms, but there is no cure.
Another thing is that my balance is shot. Like I can trip over air, shot. Guess what, that's another symptom. Yeah, all this time we thought I was clumsy, nope. I have a logical reason why I trip over air. So, yeah. I may have to start using a cane to help me stay upright. No wonder I love pushing the cart at the grocery store. I feel stable.
So, I will keep claiming those verses (and all the other ones I can find as well). It's going to be okay. Because God said so, and I believe Him.
This has been a long couple of months. I swear I have been on some sort of roller coaster ride and honestly, I just want to get off of it. I've lost a dear friend. Another dear friend has been diagnosed with an aggressive cancer. I was told I had had a TIA, only to find out it's Meniere's Disease (not sure which is the better option right now). Oh, and a grandson has been diagnosed with a seizure disorder. Yeah, we can stop the roller coaster right about now. I think we are all done with the ride.
But we can't. We have to keep on going. If we stop, that means the Satan wins. I have news for you, Satan is not going to win in my life. Philippians 4:13 tells us "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me". (KJV) I'm kinda holding on for dear life to this one right about now. Paul doesn't say some things, or this thing, he says ALL THINGS. That's a lot of things. Big things, little things, round things, square things, and oddly shaped things. Then of course there are the things that aren't even shapes. They are just things. Anyway, I am assured many times over in God's word that I will not be left alone.
John 14:18 "I will not leave you comfortless; I will come to you" (KJV). He will come to me. God is not going to leave me hanging out there like laundry on the clothes line. He will come to me. He will comfort me. So when I think of this, it brings to mind another verse. Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing." (KJV) A friend of mine and I noticed how much this verse kept coming up a few years back. She painted a picture of our Heavenly Father just opening up his arms and singing over us. I love that image. He's got me. No matter what, He's got me. I'm going to be okay. It may not be easy, but it will be okay.
So, I have this diagnosis. Meniere's Disease. What is it? Of course, I had to go look it up on the net. Yeah, I'm all over that one. So here it is, in a nutshell. My inner ear is messed up. I can hear conversational tones. That's it. Oh, and you know that feeling you get when your head is plugged up and your ears want to pop? Yeah, that's how my ear feels about 50% to 75% of the time. Oh, and there is this CONSTANT, NONSTOP, ANNOYING buzzing/ringing/whooshing in my ear. ALL. THE. TIME. Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. And I get dizzy spells. That's what started this whole thing. I had a nasty dizzy spell which landed me in the ER. It was the kind of spell that feels like you are spinning around at high speeds in a tilt-a-whirl at the carnival and then you get sick. Like pass the bucket sick. About 6 - 8 weeks later, I had another one of those spells. Only this time, I had anti-nausea medicine that worked like a champ. So when I told the ENT about the second spell, that's when he told me what I have. We can treat the symptoms, but there is no cure.
Another thing is that my balance is shot. Like I can trip over air, shot. Guess what, that's another symptom. Yeah, all this time we thought I was clumsy, nope. I have a logical reason why I trip over air. So, yeah. I may have to start using a cane to help me stay upright. No wonder I love pushing the cart at the grocery store. I feel stable.
So, I will keep claiming those verses (and all the other ones I can find as well). It's going to be okay. Because God said so, and I believe Him.
Monday, June 19, 2017
What is this world coming to?
Pretty broad topic, I know. As I watch the news, or what passes for news these days, that thought keeps coming to my mind. What is this world coming to? There is so much hatred, and I don't mean the childish kind. Remember when we were kids and we would fight? Over stupid stuff, but we would "build our armies" with neighbors, cousins, friends from school, etc.? By the time we got done naming names, we had forgotten what we were fighting about.
Hatred today is different. It goes to the core of a person's being. And it is so strong, that it must be acted upon. A U.S. Representative is lying in a hospital recovering from gunshot wounds, because someone hates Republicans so much that he had to try to take them out. How did we get to this point? No, this is not a rhetorical question. Seriously, how in the name of Sam Hill did we ever get to this point? I have my theories about it, but they are theories, not truths, not proven, just my thoughts.
First and foremost, we, as a society, have left God behind. Before anyone starts going crazy on me, remember, these are my thoughts. If you know me, you know that I am a deeply spiritual person. I believe in God. I believe that He sent his Son to die on the cross as atonement for our sins. I do my best to live a godly life. I am not perfect. Not by any stretch of the means. I am, however, forgiven. I believe this to my core. I will never be perfect, nor will I ever deserve the forgiveness I have been given. (John 3:16) (Romans 3:23)
Okay, so back to my first thought. When I was growing up, things were different. We've all heard that before. When I was a little girl, we walked to school and from school barefoot and uphill, both ways, in the snow. I admit, I didn't have to go barefoot, I had shoes and boots; and it wasn't uphill, it was pretty flat. It was the Midwest. Corn country. It was flatter than flat. Anyway. In the late 60's and early 70's, little girls were expected to wear dresses to school. All the time. We wore shorts under our dresses on PE days. We also wore them under our dresses if we knew we were going to be playing on the jungle jim at lunch. In the winter, we wore pants under our dresses until we reached school, and then we hung our pants up in the coat closet until it was time to go home. The first time I remember a girl wearing pants to school all day was in second grade, and oh my goodness, we thought the world was going to end right then and there. It was scandalous. Now a days, it's all we can do to keep little girls covered up. I do not want you to think that I am in favor of burkas or anything like that. I just don't think that little girls should be running around in short shorts and bikini tops that are barely more than two scraps of fabric held together by dental floss. And the makeup. I see little girls today in full makeup. But I'm getting off track.
The point I'm trying to make (and probably failing) is that once upon a time, morals were important. Parents taught morals at home. Teachers taught morals at school. The golden rule was practiced. You know the one, do unto others as you would have others do unto you. Funny, but that comes from the Bible (Luke 6:31). Gradually, children's feelings became more important than teaching them right from wrong. The lines became so blurred that they don't even exist anymore. "If it feels good, do it" seems to be the more prevalent societal rule. You know what, it's not good. There is no more right and wrong. It's gone. And you know what, it sucks.
When I was growing up, we were entitled to 3 meals a day, a roof over our head, and clean clothes. If we didn't like what was served, we went hungry. We did not die. We learned to take the good with the bad. Sometimes we got liver and onions. Sometimes we got steaks on the grill. Now I will admit, the nights that liver and onions was served there was always something else available because someone could legitimately not keep that stuff down. The point is, we learned to take the good with the bad. It built fortitude.
Today's children seem to think that they are entitled to the latest iPhone, X-box and designer clothes. Their wants should be the most important thing in the family unit. If they don't get what they want, the kids call CPS to claim abuse. Which then lead to a whole new set of problems. The parents now cannot discipline the children, because once again, CPS is called, and it goes on and on and on. I know it's not like this in every family. I know that. But it is like that in many families. Then there are the families where Mom and Dad are divorced, kids are bounced back and forth between houses. Mom and Dad cannot be civil to each other, so they try to buy off the children with stuff. This creates a whole new layer. The kids become adept at playing one parent against the other. Then, when they get to school, they play the parents against the teacher. The teacher tries to discipline the child at school. The child goes home to say the teacher hurt their feelings. Next thing you know, Mom/Dad/whoever is at the school wanting to know why they hurt precious Jimmy's feelings. Don't you know he comes from an unstable environment. You should be nurturing him instead of calling him on the carpet.
Now Jimmy has grown up. He is not happy with the current political atmosphere in this country. So, in order to do something about it, he decides to go shoot government officials. Why does he do this? Because he was brought up in a society that worried more about feelings than morals. I don't want your religious rhetoric shoved down my throat, or the throat of my child(ren). So the Golden Rule gets tossed, along with every other moral idea.
Folks, I don't care if you are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Atheist, Wiccan, whatever. There has to be some sort of accountability. Some sort of right and wrong. Without it, we are doomed.
Pretty broad topic, I know. As I watch the news, or what passes for news these days, that thought keeps coming to my mind. What is this world coming to? There is so much hatred, and I don't mean the childish kind. Remember when we were kids and we would fight? Over stupid stuff, but we would "build our armies" with neighbors, cousins, friends from school, etc.? By the time we got done naming names, we had forgotten what we were fighting about.
Hatred today is different. It goes to the core of a person's being. And it is so strong, that it must be acted upon. A U.S. Representative is lying in a hospital recovering from gunshot wounds, because someone hates Republicans so much that he had to try to take them out. How did we get to this point? No, this is not a rhetorical question. Seriously, how in the name of Sam Hill did we ever get to this point? I have my theories about it, but they are theories, not truths, not proven, just my thoughts.
First and foremost, we, as a society, have left God behind. Before anyone starts going crazy on me, remember, these are my thoughts. If you know me, you know that I am a deeply spiritual person. I believe in God. I believe that He sent his Son to die on the cross as atonement for our sins. I do my best to live a godly life. I am not perfect. Not by any stretch of the means. I am, however, forgiven. I believe this to my core. I will never be perfect, nor will I ever deserve the forgiveness I have been given. (John 3:16) (Romans 3:23)
Okay, so back to my first thought. When I was growing up, things were different. We've all heard that before. When I was a little girl, we walked to school and from school barefoot and uphill, both ways, in the snow. I admit, I didn't have to go barefoot, I had shoes and boots; and it wasn't uphill, it was pretty flat. It was the Midwest. Corn country. It was flatter than flat. Anyway. In the late 60's and early 70's, little girls were expected to wear dresses to school. All the time. We wore shorts under our dresses on PE days. We also wore them under our dresses if we knew we were going to be playing on the jungle jim at lunch. In the winter, we wore pants under our dresses until we reached school, and then we hung our pants up in the coat closet until it was time to go home. The first time I remember a girl wearing pants to school all day was in second grade, and oh my goodness, we thought the world was going to end right then and there. It was scandalous. Now a days, it's all we can do to keep little girls covered up. I do not want you to think that I am in favor of burkas or anything like that. I just don't think that little girls should be running around in short shorts and bikini tops that are barely more than two scraps of fabric held together by dental floss. And the makeup. I see little girls today in full makeup. But I'm getting off track.
The point I'm trying to make (and probably failing) is that once upon a time, morals were important. Parents taught morals at home. Teachers taught morals at school. The golden rule was practiced. You know the one, do unto others as you would have others do unto you. Funny, but that comes from the Bible (Luke 6:31). Gradually, children's feelings became more important than teaching them right from wrong. The lines became so blurred that they don't even exist anymore. "If it feels good, do it" seems to be the more prevalent societal rule. You know what, it's not good. There is no more right and wrong. It's gone. And you know what, it sucks.
When I was growing up, we were entitled to 3 meals a day, a roof over our head, and clean clothes. If we didn't like what was served, we went hungry. We did not die. We learned to take the good with the bad. Sometimes we got liver and onions. Sometimes we got steaks on the grill. Now I will admit, the nights that liver and onions was served there was always something else available because someone could legitimately not keep that stuff down. The point is, we learned to take the good with the bad. It built fortitude.
Today's children seem to think that they are entitled to the latest iPhone, X-box and designer clothes. Their wants should be the most important thing in the family unit. If they don't get what they want, the kids call CPS to claim abuse. Which then lead to a whole new set of problems. The parents now cannot discipline the children, because once again, CPS is called, and it goes on and on and on. I know it's not like this in every family. I know that. But it is like that in many families. Then there are the families where Mom and Dad are divorced, kids are bounced back and forth between houses. Mom and Dad cannot be civil to each other, so they try to buy off the children with stuff. This creates a whole new layer. The kids become adept at playing one parent against the other. Then, when they get to school, they play the parents against the teacher. The teacher tries to discipline the child at school. The child goes home to say the teacher hurt their feelings. Next thing you know, Mom/Dad/whoever is at the school wanting to know why they hurt precious Jimmy's feelings. Don't you know he comes from an unstable environment. You should be nurturing him instead of calling him on the carpet.
Now Jimmy has grown up. He is not happy with the current political atmosphere in this country. So, in order to do something about it, he decides to go shoot government officials. Why does he do this? Because he was brought up in a society that worried more about feelings than morals. I don't want your religious rhetoric shoved down my throat, or the throat of my child(ren). So the Golden Rule gets tossed, along with every other moral idea.
Folks, I don't care if you are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Atheist, Wiccan, whatever. There has to be some sort of accountability. Some sort of right and wrong. Without it, we are doomed.
Saturday, June 17, 2017
Loss
I lost a friend this week. I never got the chance to tell her how much she meant to me. We met many years ago at a church in South Anchorage. There was just something about her that soothed my soul. She didn't judge. She listened. She didn't try to fix it, she let you figure it out. She prayed. A lot. She didn't want help, she helped. She loved with a fierceness that I've never known before. And her love was unconditional.
She'll never know how many times I wanted to just stop in as I drove by, but didn't, because I was afraid to let my wall down. She'll never know how much that hug she gave every Sunday as we greeted each other meant to me, because I was too afraid to tell her. I had to be strong and put up a good front when I felt my world was crashing down around me.
She'll never know how much just her offer to help meant to me. I never told her. I should have.
Now there is this hole in my life. I need to fill it with something. If I'm not careful, it will fill with anger and hatred. I can't let that happen. I have to be strong. I have to focus on the positives and not the negatives. I have to be stronger. I don't want to. I want to just give up. I want to hide for a while, and when I am done, I want things to be better. But here's the thing, they won't just get better.
I found a Bible verse the other day by accident. Psalm 35:9 says "And my soul shall be joyful in the LORD: it shall rejoice in his salvation." (KJV) I try to remember that right now. I try to hold it near to my heart.
I know that although I never took the time to tell my friend what she meant to me, she cared. She lived for and loved the LORD. She served the LORD. I need to keep that memory intact, and model that love to those around me. Even when I don't exactly want to. And right now, there are some that honestly, I don't want to love.
So there you have it.....thoughts on random stuff.
I lost a friend this week. I never got the chance to tell her how much she meant to me. We met many years ago at a church in South Anchorage. There was just something about her that soothed my soul. She didn't judge. She listened. She didn't try to fix it, she let you figure it out. She prayed. A lot. She didn't want help, she helped. She loved with a fierceness that I've never known before. And her love was unconditional.
She'll never know how many times I wanted to just stop in as I drove by, but didn't, because I was afraid to let my wall down. She'll never know how much that hug she gave every Sunday as we greeted each other meant to me, because I was too afraid to tell her. I had to be strong and put up a good front when I felt my world was crashing down around me.
She'll never know how much just her offer to help meant to me. I never told her. I should have.
Now there is this hole in my life. I need to fill it with something. If I'm not careful, it will fill with anger and hatred. I can't let that happen. I have to be strong. I have to focus on the positives and not the negatives. I have to be stronger. I don't want to. I want to just give up. I want to hide for a while, and when I am done, I want things to be better. But here's the thing, they won't just get better.
I found a Bible verse the other day by accident. Psalm 35:9 says "And my soul shall be joyful in the LORD: it shall rejoice in his salvation." (KJV) I try to remember that right now. I try to hold it near to my heart.
I know that although I never took the time to tell my friend what she meant to me, she cared. She lived for and loved the LORD. She served the LORD. I need to keep that memory intact, and model that love to those around me. Even when I don't exactly want to. And right now, there are some that honestly, I don't want to love.
So there you have it.....thoughts on random stuff.
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