Self-Doubt

It’s something that I struggle with on a daily basis.  Am I good enough?  Do I really know what I am doing?  Is this really a good idea?  It’s something that I have struggled with all of my life, not just my adult life, but all of my life. 

I had started to let that self-doubt over take me.  It was starting to rule my life.  That is a huge admission for me right there.  HUGE.  Ripping myself open and baring my soul huge. And today I can say that and not be afraid.  Okay, maybe a little afraid, but I am not shaking in my shoes worried that I am going to disappoint someone.  And that is another huge step. 

A few hours ago, I would not have been able to say this.  Yup, just a few short hours ago.  Crazy, huh?  How can my life change so drastically in just a short amount of time?  I literally had a light bulb moment.  You know, kind of when you walk in a dark room and hit the light switch.  The light goes on and it’s all clear.  Well that just happened for me. 

We’ve had some changes at work.  Personnel changes that have been drastic to say the least.  People have retired, and new people have taken their places.  And with these changes there has been a change in the atmosphere.  There is a smile in the air, for lack of a better way to put it.  And the smile is contagious.  And the smile puts you at ease.  Especially when you have to explain things.  Today, I had to explain things to the new people. 

One of the things I do at my job is the monthly budget projections.  I am given a whole bunch of information from Juneau, and I have to put it together and make sure that we are not over expending ourselves.  This is a daunting task, especially when it is the first report of the fiscal year.  And things have changed from last year.  I got through it.  I found problems and I was able to question them, and understand the answer, and explain the answer to the powers that be.  Now here’s the big part.  I was confident, and when I was done, the self-doubt that used to be there after explaining this wasn’t there.  It’s still not there.  It’s gone.  I actually knew (and know) what I am doing.  And it felt good.  And right.  And all of a sudden, my confidence came back.  Like a light switching on in a dark room.  And the first thing I did was look up and say “thank you”.  That peace hit me today.  In the middle of all of my turmoil, that peace that passeth all understanding hit me.  I know that no matter what happens, I can stand confident.  I can stand tall (and that’s a big deal for a shorty like me).  I know in the depths of my being that it is okay.  I know what I am doing, and no one can take that away. 

What an amazing feeling!