I got on the Ancestry site today, because I haven't been there in a while. I started poking around with the family tree I have started. There are these new things called Thru-Lines. They are really neat. They can show you probable matches to people in your tree. I've always been curious about our family tree, probably because it was not talked about as I was growing up.
So, I clicked on the woman who gave birth to me. According to Ancestry, we are are a DNA match, and there is no doubt that she and I are closely related. She has a story there. It starts out about her birth, who she married, how many kids she has, blah blah blah. Then you start looking down the story line, and only four kids are listed. She had five according to her story. Her oldest child is missing.
When I saw this, my heart dropped. I wanted to cry, but I have no tears. I am that missing child. I have the freaking birth certificate to prove it. I am crushed. I want to be angry. Make that angrier. I am already angry because I can't(won't) let go of the last phone conversation I had with her. I hoped and prayed that there might be some sort of reconciliation. An olive branch. I tried to offer one, but I was cut down right away with "Cathy who?".
So here I sit, trying to understand the situation, but I can't. Why? Why does this bother me so much? All of this just makes the fears and pains bubble out. The ones from my childhood. And the anger. And the insecurities.
I want to go back an dissect every aspect of my childhood, again. Try and find the piece that I keep missing to this puzzle.
Instead, I'll keep trudging forward. Even if it's only a small step, it's a step.
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