It seems like every November, we all start really thinking of and meditating on what we are thankful for. I am just as guilty of this as anyone else. I try and complete the Thirty Days of Thankful challenge on Facebook. Oh, I miss days here and there, and I make them up the next day (that I remember I am supposed to be doing this). But why can't I remember to do this every day?
I purchased two gratitude/thankful journals from Amazon recently. I was really good at sitting down each morning to write what I am thankful for. Then I started slacking. Then November came along and I started ignoring my journals to be oh so showy by posting my thankfuls on Facebook. Look at me, I am thankful! More like, look at me while I compete with you to be more humble in my thankfuls.
I keep reminding myself that Facebook isn't real. Yes, it's a real program/app/whatever, but it is not real life. It's not the "I'm cleaning puke out of the carpet and off the bedding at 2 am because one of the kids is sick". It's also not the "I'm in a rough patch and I need some help" talk with your best girlfriend/therapist. Facebook is fluff. Don't get me wrong, we all need some fluff in our life.
Most of us prefer our fluff not be around our midsections. We prefer our fluff to be cutesy memes or sunshine and rainbows. These things make us smile and pretend, just for a moment, that all is right in the world. Then we come back to reality and the daily grind, sometimes with a resounding "thud". We realize that our lives are not like the postings we see. Our lives are hard. They suck rotten eggs sometimes. They drain us emotionally and physically. And yet, we keep pretending that everything is great. "Look at me, my life is so perfect". Yeah, right.
About this time, I start realizing that I really need to take an inventory of what I am truly thankful for instead of trying to compete with everyone to prove I have the perfect life. So, I turn back to my journals, to start the vicious cycle yet again.
And here I am again, at the start of the cycle. Trying to remind myself every single day that I need to focus on what I am thankful for. Only this time, I assure myself yet again, I promise to be more real, and not full of fluff. So what do I put down for the first four days? Fluff. My husband, my kids, their spouses, my grandkids. Yes, they are important, and yes I am thankful for them. I feel that if I don't put these choices down first, people are going to think I'm a self centered witch. Here I am, back to competing. Then I decide to stick my toe in the water. Let's post something odd. Let's be thankful for something that is really a bad thing in my life. So, I decide to be thankful for thing that took away my life as I knew it.
Day 5 of Thankfuls - Today, I am thankful for my Meniere's Disease. Yes, I know that sounds wrong, but just hear me out. This disease has brought new perspective to my life. It has forced me to slow down and enjoy the things I have around me. It has forced me to take a step back, and really re-evaluate what is important in my life, and what is "fluff". Had this disease not brought me to my knees, I would still be so hell bent on being everything to everyone, that I never would have taken time for me, or learned that it's okay to take time for me.
So, I post this on my page. But then I get the bright idea to post it on the support groups that I am a part of. "Look at me, I am so wonderful".
Now I sit here, trying to figure out if I really feel this way, or if I am just being fluffy. How can I be thankful for this? Am I just showing off? Why do I have to doubt everything I do on Facebook? I start looking back over the past few years, and the roller coaster ride that has been my life. What can I truly be thankful for in this mess? And it hits me like a ton of bricks. I AM thankful for this mess. It has made me stop and reevaluate. It truly has. Yes, it has changed everything. It has made me stop dead in my tracks and just take stock. It has made me trust in God even more. It has made me take a huge leap of faith, and trust that I will land on my feet. I look at everything and realize that the bills are being met. There is food in the house. The dogs still have a safe place to run around. But most of all, I am still here, able to enjoy what I have.
As I look around my house while I write this, I realize that it is okay to be thankful for this mess of a life. I'm still okay. I can still hear my grandkids voices, although sometimes I have to remind them to look at me and speak up, right after I've told them they are being too loud. I can still get around on my own two feet, and that cane that I use is there only to help me keep my balance. I've come to realize that my cane is my friend. I've also realized that it's okay for me to take time for me. I have to be careful that I don't get selfish with that, so I am learning balance.
I'll keep on posting my thankfuls this month, and I'll get back to using my journals. Oh, I'll miss a day or two, here or there, but I will remember to be thankful, and maybe, just maybe, I will be less competitive at the end of the month. We will see.
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