Loss

I lost a friend this week.  I never got the chance to tell her how much she meant to me.  We met many years ago at a church in South Anchorage.  There was just something about her that soothed my soul.  She didn't judge.  She listened.  She didn't try to fix it, she let you figure it out.  She prayed.  A lot.  She didn't want help, she helped.  She loved with a fierceness that I've never known before.  And her love was unconditional.

She'll never know how many times I wanted to just stop in as I drove by, but didn't, because I was afraid to let my wall down.  She'll never know how much that hug she gave every Sunday as we greeted each other meant to me, because I was too afraid to tell her.  I had to be strong and put up a good front when I felt my world was crashing down around me.

She'll never know how much just her offer to help meant to me.  I never told her.  I should have.

Now there is this hole in my life.  I need to fill it with something.  If I'm not careful, it will fill with anger and hatred.  I can't let that happen.  I have to be strong.  I have to focus on the positives and not the negatives.  I have to be stronger.  I don't want to.  I want to just give up.  I want to hide for a while, and when I am done, I want things to be better.  But here's the thing, they won't just get better.

I found a Bible verse the other day by accident.  Psalm 35:9 says "And my soul shall be joyful in the LORD:  it shall rejoice in his salvation." (KJV)  I try to remember that right now.  I try to hold it near to my heart.

I know that although I never took the time to tell my friend what she meant to me, she cared.  She lived for and loved the LORD.  She served the LORD.  I need to keep that memory intact, and model that love to those around me.  Even when I don't exactly want to.  And right now, there are some that honestly, I don't want to love.

So there you have it.....thoughts on random stuff.